Saturday, July 24, 2004

Women on the road

Note: We all love women, after they are the only interesting species in the planet. So a little needling doesn't hurt. So I declare all of this is in jest. I hypocritically confirm that I really respect women's driving skills and believe they should be given equal opportunity as men in the R.T.O office

I am not Betram Wooster and I have no such article to my credit called "What a well dressed man is wearing" in Milady's Boudoir. But some of the work in my thesis has been regarded in certain circles (not the drones club) as highly original with significant impact on all living things ; from dhobi walas in the northern hemisphere to  birds migrating from the southern hemisphere.

Okay all of this is crap!! I am just a lazy old fart and only good at watching women on the road. It's my second nature, so I thought I'd include my observations in my thesis under a separate chapter titled "Mechanics of Motion: Psycology of Women on Road". I know this page is being visited by some really crazy feminists. I am  informed by reliable sources ( read husbands/boyfriends of these feminists) that rumor has started spreading around the society that such women can be quite dangerous when it comes to MCP issues. I assured these "reliable sources" that I'll stop spreading the rumor once these mad women are incarcerated in a zoo.

So after years  of closely observing women on the road and their driving habbits, I got into a technical discussion with my uncle ( who also is an expert in such observations). His inferences were remarkably profound and staggering. Take this illustration for instance.

Observe the sample female( ranging from oversized aunties who resemble tough school teachers to scared puny little ones who are afraid of lizards and roaches) on the road travelling at lightning speed of 21 Kms/hr. Our sample female drives bang at the center of the road on a Luna like vehicle or something equally obnoxious that has less than 20 cc capability.  The other 500-2500 cc (okay! my thesis needn't be factually accurate) vehicles that we men drive are competing behind to overtake this vehicle. But hell no!  the women has padded herself up (er..) with knee pads gloves, terrorist mask outfits. Research confirms that she wants to prevent, apart from damage to nail polish and face make-up, any injury (the likes of which Aryton Senna incurred) incase she falls down while travlling at this blinding speed.

Dude! My childhood pal Superman, regarded as one of the greatest heroes to have ever been born, flew great distances. Faster than a speeding Bullet, Leap tall buildings in a single bound is the phrase used to describe good ol' Supey( Mighty Mouse fans please stay away). I never saw him wear gloves, pads, face masks. What beats me is; whats the point of a terrorist mask when just a face will do. You can't improve on nature can you? ( that should raise the temparature up the attic a li'l bit)

Arjun ( name changed to provide secrecy) has recently bought a new Hyundai Accent ( secrecy given away) and he wants to let rip the vehicle in the amazingly congested Bangalore roads. But this damn chic on the Luna like space vehicle is blocking the narrow road. She is travelling at 20 kms and the Accent falling behind it hasn't even got an erection at this speed! The female  sticks to center of the road and uses all her concentration powers to mask off any honking that comes from behind. The auto drivers are also suprisingly frustrated, they even try and jump over her head much like KIT from Knight Rider. But no dice!  Arjun's efforts to move to 90 kms/hr will have to wait until this space alien with masks gets off the road. Arjun's choiciest expletives to the female just bounces on her and falls down. She is focussing on controlling her space ship as it is travelling at such at breakneck speed and in her perception meteorites are raining on her in the horizontal plane. In her world 2 generations of Skywalkers are being put to shame.

The next interesting observation is that the moment some obstacle, which could be anywhere between 100-300 kms away catches our sample female's eye, her speed drops below 20 kms/hour. Now thats a significant change in the speed of her spaceship causing the landing wheels to unwrap. The female's legs come off the vehicle and is now freely suspended in air much like the wheels of the planes that come out before landing. Now as long as she is travelling between 0-19.99 km/hr the legs remain suspended outside the vehicle. The purpose of such a move is to keep the vehicle's motion balanced and regulate wind -turbulence to keep the vehicle in forward motion (they dont trust in vehicle motors..these females). Once the roads in the front of the vehicle is clear (which means there is nobody in sight for the next 200 kms) the vehicle slowly increases speed to 20.1 kms/hr the legs roll back into the vehicle again the way the wheels retract into the plane after take-off.

This amazing observation now forms chapter 3 of my thesis. I never understood how females get a licence to drive. Maybe there is someone like me  in the RTO office who gifts licence to women for no apparent reason, when evidence in hand begs for the contrary. In my opinion( aggresively agreed upon by my uncle) 50% of the females on the road dont deserve a licence. (woo.. i just ducked on brickbat from one feminist).

In the U.S if a car in front of you is frustrating you, then without doubt you can say that its either a Chinese driver or a desi  woman. In India it also falls into two categories just that this time around its either old people (who are driving with rule book in hand) or females.

okay.. I've already been accorded MCP of the year by many prestigious associations and I am in the waiting list for the rest of them. For all the men who can afford to openly agree with me (the rest of the men who arent allowed to openly agree can send me email) , I have application forms to all MCP clubs, you can use my name as reference and you'll immediately get in.




13 comments:

Saurabh said...

Utterly Hillarious !
Loved all your blogs ...

In case you are wonderin' ... I'm friends of this guy called Nithin ... who claims to be your cousin .. :p
We're classmates and friends ( in Pune )

Anyways, again, very well writted.
Couldn't agree more.

- Saurabh (http://saurabhj.blogspot.com)

Mudra Rakshasa said...

You are really in the cross-hairs of the fairer sex now. Of course, I couldn't have put it better myself. Cheers

Elne said...

On the money.

Anonymous said...

Well,

Fwding this article to some of my friends from the fairer sex.Some are likely to turn into Femme Fatales. Watch out hawkeye, Run for your life.

LApstrE

Hema said...

How dare you???? This is utterly unfair and ridiculous.

With my "desi" driving i have managed to exceed 70kmp per hour in my kinetic and now i have a Driving licence in UK with my first attempt at the theory and practical tests (Men usually take 3 attempts although i dont come to the conclusion they are bad drivers). And to iterate I am not the only one, there are 1000's like me who drive well and exceptionally good to some british standards of even 100MPH on the motorways....

This is sooooooo bad that i had to defend myself this way...Well..being an FCP (hehehe)or feminist..cant help it..

Hilarious...!!! Good one

ashok said...

Just to add fuel to the fire...

How a BOY withdraws cash from ATM.
1. Park the car
2. Go to ATM Machine
3. Insert card
4. Enter PIN
5. Take money out
6. Take ATM Card out
7. Drive away

How a GIRL withdraws cash from ATM
1. Park the car
2. Check makeup
3. Turn off engine
4. Check makeup
5. Go to ATM
6. Hunt for ATM card in the purse
7. Insert card
8. Hit Cancel
9. Hunt in purse for chit with PIN written on it
10. Insert card
11. Enter PIN
12. Take cash
13. Go to car
14. Check makeup
15. Start car
16. Stop car
17. Run back to ATM
18. Take ATM card
19. Back to car
20. Check makeup
21. Start car
22. Check makeup
23. Drive for 1.5 kms
24. Release handbrake
25. Drive on

Cheers mate...

Anonymous said...

May God Bless your soul... Coz I don't think you'll last very long. In any case if you are looking for any luck with the fairer sex like Hawkeye Pierce then be assured it's run out for sure....

shankar said...

very funny and does touch a raw nerve...but just for the record i once went to a drag race in bangalore and the winner on a yamaha super bike was a super hot woman..till i witnessed tht i was an extremely biased person..
yet woman are bad drivers because i'm also a MCP!!

P.S-came to ur blog thru friends

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Anonymous said...

I want to beat you up for this, but since it is funny, I pardon you.
- A woman and an excellent driver.

Anonymous said...

supero super...had a good laugh to end the day....

Anonymous said...

Excellent writing skills...loved ur blogs :)
Brought some humour to my boring and absolutely dead day!!