Monday, January 17, 2005

Conversations With God

Bharath: Oh! My God! Oh! My God! Oh! My God!
God: Alright! I am here..shaddapp!
Bharath: oh! you are here.. queer! I was just calling you on rhetoric!
God: (thinking to himself) another nut case ..oh! man! (?)
Bharath: I am freakin! out here ..What are you doin to me maan?!!
God: First of all make up your mind, you are either calling me God or man, if you interchange it I get into this vague avatar mode and I dont know if I am man or God. Second, there are several things I am doing to you, like for example yesterday's ant bite.. I was demonstrating to some newcomers in heaven my new-fangled ant behavior remote control.
Bharath: Whaat??!! the ant that bit me was because of you! I am some sort of test bed! thats scary dude!
God: dude??! my man! you have no respect for God! Neways.. now that I am here! Anything you want to ask me..anything at all?
Bharath: ah! thats a nice gesture. I didnt think about asking stuff!
God: oh! yeah! (sneers) 3 nights before you were begging me for a night with Bipasha Basu.
Bharath: well.. that was a weak moment!
God: your whole life is just one big weak moment.
Bharath: (hangs his head in shame)
God: Ask me! Anything at all, I have bandwidth now to spare for wretched lives..so go ahead!
Bharath: okay! Here I go!
God: Shoot!
Bharath: Why do women in India say "cho chweet" instead of "so sweet". Did they change the spelling and pronunciation recently?
God: Irritates you doesn't it!
Bharath: Makes me wanna curl up and bite someone like a dog!
God: ya! I can see some traces of dogginess in you! Anyway I don't know! I didn't intend to make this happen. But I can transfer your call to the language department and talk to Andy up there. He is usually updated on spelling and pronounciations.
Bharath: Naah! chuck it! its not worth jumpin the Red tape!!
God: okay! Anything else?
Bharath: In movie theaters, the arm rest between two seats. When you are competing for the arm rest with a stranger sitting next to you! How do you win the quest for the arm rest?! Do you just come 30 minutes before the movie begins and keep your hands nailed to the arm rest or is there some other way?!
God: I use ants to bite the arm of the neighbor. But.. you cant do that! Anyways, I have my own theater.
Bharath: yeah.. some perks of being God.
God: Seriously man! its awesome. No taxes howz that?
Bharath: I never pay em either.
God: Well! bad karma to you!
Bharath: (suddenly remembers) Heyyy! I was freakin out before you came!
God: Its about the marriage isn't it!
Bharath: ya!
God: You silly goose! With the amount of pre-marriage freak-outs! I have seen so far! I think I need to put a special God on it! But with so many Gods in Hinduism, its difficult to create an opening in the Periodic God Table. Let me see... Eric quit last month so there maybe a spot available after Manganese!
Bharath: What? you have Western sounding names for Hindu gods?
God: well! we are becoming global! you know.. with the BPO, outsourcing, call center boom. We thought we'll have dual names to stay competitive.
Bharath: right on dude..err God.. so you think Hinduism will kick-in in the west.
God: Not sure I am new to the marketing department. I used to work down at Sales.
Bharath: uh...hm.. hey! Can we get back to my marriage?
God: Sure.. ya thats the point of the whole thing.
Bharath: I feel.. I am hurtling in space towards a point of no-return.
God: (sneers) On the other hand ..you feel if werent geting married you would be makin-out with hot babes in Hawaii or Goa? humph! ..Loser!
Bharath: What did you say?
God: I didn't say anything...
Bharath: No I thought I heard..
God: Tweezers! thats what I was thinking of..(man! close call)
Bharath: you called me Loser? ..oh! ya!..Hey! its not Hawaii.. In my days I used be a chic magnet!
God: hey..hey! one more word ....I'll snap my fingers and make you gay!
Bharath: Can you do that? Can you make Mark Wahlberg gay?
God: He is already Gay.
Bharath: Wow! How about Vivek Oberoi, Salman Khan, Bruce Willis, Sun TV Comperer Archana's husband.
God: Gay! Gay! Gay! and Gay!
Bharath: Wow! I feel so happy. But...hmm..okay! I am still freakin' out marriage! Things change forever. Everything's different!
God: Sit down my child! Introspect and focus on something specific thats troubling you!Bharath: I want to burp/belch loudly after eating. I have a feeling she does not like that!
God: sigh.. granted!
Bharath: My ponch ...
God: Yea I can see you have been feeding youself nicely. But I have seen bigger ponches. Just suck it up son! it doesn't show!
Bharath: I want it made bigger
God: But... it could pose certain logistical difficulties. Its for your own good!
Bharath: Bigger.
God: Do you want me to set up a tele con with Vatsayana? He could help you decide.
Bharath: Bigger.
God: okay! granted!
Bharath: Can I still watch TV before I go to sleep?
God: Thats askin too much!
Bharath: ya! I thought so. Worth a shot though!
God: Not many people have tried and won that battle so far!
Bharath: hey it just occured!!! I want to ogle at other girls after marriage. There is no compromise there.
God: Are you kidding me? Thats like pre-granted! if I had a paisa for every guy who ogled after marriage, I'd pay back Kuberan in no time. Ogle away dude! Men have to look at other-girls. Down at Sales & Services we call it "energy distribution". Marriage has no relevance to the whole thing! Men are programmed that way! You think Men dont look a hot babes after marriage! hah! You are out of your mind.
Bharath: But Asha was telling me the other day that although other men ogle, her husband never looks at other women.
God: My sweet little lollipop! Women are programmed that way! Thats the secret of life. they are programmed to think their husbands look at nobody except them. But I know all men are Dorks!
Bharath: (incredulously) But... thats not true?
God: (emphatically) ofcourse not! Men invent subtler ways to look at other women after marriage. I have a name-2-name ogle-count mapping with me . Everbody's name is checked. I have never seen a man not ogle after marriage.
Bharath: But Asha was so certain. She almost put some reverse-guilt pressure on me.
God: Child!.. we all like them to think of men that way! Otherwise its quite horrible to withstand men ..what with the farting in the middle of the night!
Bharath: But.. when they read my blog the women will know the truth.
God: Don't worry! I have programmed men to say " no! honey! Bharath has written it just for fun" ( thinks to himself.. actually i have asked them to say "don't believe Bharath. He is an idiot" but why get into details)
Bharath: You are a Genius.
God: well yeah! It comes with the designation. You less freaked out now!
Bharath: More or less yeah!
God: Very well.. I'll bless you with 8 daughters.
Bharath: I'm suffocating already.. oh! My God! oh! my God!...
God: leaves

12 comments:

Anonymous said...

Just wondering...does Priya read your blogs? Now, for the next question: If she does, then has she ever freaked out? ;-)
Hmmm...a night with Bipasha Basu is asking for too much!!
~Anu

Hawkeye said...

Anu,

Reg. Priya..After a lot of curse words in English.. this was the final sentence in Tamil

//* Unna pathi yellarum kevalama nenaikaralo illiyo yenna kennai nu nenachindu iruppa *//

Bipasha Basu is not too much! Maybe Reema Sen would have been too much! :-)

Atta Girl said...

LOL!!!!!

Quill said...

Loads of creativity !Luved it.
High five-Am from tirunelveli too :)
BTW,'Amruth' is Guava in Hindi !!

Anonymous said...

Soon Archana might become too much!!!

Hawkeye said...

hey archana is good lookin too. for a TV host archana swarnamalya are A+

Anonymous said...

Chooo Chweeett !!:-)

Anonymous said...

Archana and Swarnamalya :-0

Your next conversation should be with an eye doc!!

Hawkeye said...

anonymous,

:-) thanks.

you dont like swarnamalya.???. hmm

Anonymous said...

wish I could write like that!!

awesome read

Anonymous said...

:)

Sango said...

Just came across your blog accidentally and i must admit, i'm totally impressed.. You have a way with words.. :-)
This post was very funny and ofcourse creative too.. Looking forward to more such posts..