Sunday, November 13, 2005

Love

I am not the best person to write about this topic. I suck in this topic big time. But I can give a I-suck-in-this-point-of-view on this subject. I am writing this mainly to help out a friend ( you know who you are) who seems to be going through "that rough patch" that most people go through in life. This post may come out weak because this is really not one of my strongest topics.

What is love? It is that thing you develop on seeing girls in NIIT class, GRE coaching class, tuition class, same electronics & communication class. It is acheived by BE-senior-taking-junior-to-culturals, 2nd-year-MS-helping-first-year-do-groceries-by-driving-her-around-in-a cheap-4th-hand-car, and finally also by being a rakhi-brother-promoted-to-lover.

If I were to make a conjecture, I would say - Love is a complex emotion. Being brought up in a exam-oriented environment most of us approach "love" as they would approach exams. This is a profound thing I learned about love. For example, if you want to ace an exam you can sit for 20 hours a day and crack it. Love is not that. Why? because Love depends on other people and other people are random. This takes away any structure out of the process and any hope of putting an algorithm. You might have heard "hard work leads to success" and stuff like that. But those are on things you can control. When it comes to love a person can do a helluva lot of hard work and it can amount nothing. Because minds are fickle. There is no more random thing than a person's mind. Hard work may not influence minds. I have seen people do a million things to impress a girl and it still turned out to counter productive. And there is no damn reason why that should be so. But thats how it is because you never know which direction minds will run for a given stimuli.

From talking to people who have indulged in this whole love thing. I think love gets compounded second-over-second at a rate of 26000000 (echoose me.. finance class going on) mainly because of the extended fantasy sequences that goes on in the mind. The person-in-love imagines being with the girl, talking to her, kissing her, doing the fun stuff. Any advt, movie sequence the person sees, he extrapolates that stuff to apply to him and that 'special girl'. So without the girl being aware that he exists, he has (mentally) spent a zillion hours with her, kissed her 56,700 times, made love twice as much and had 3 kids too. So while he approaches her assuming the fantasy thing is reality, the girl still is focussed on the real reality. The girl could infact be thinking about some one else and going through the whole cycle. Most girls/boys dont realize that there is a big link-list of love-and-unrequited-love going on. If only the person down the list knew what was going on in the mind of the person who rejected him/her. So a lot of the many who fall in love actually develop the gumption to propose. This could lead to a spectrum ranging from, "you spoilt the friendship", "I dont know why you got the vibe", "let me think about it" and even a possible "yes! thank! same here".

See... I think rejection is one of the things every person has to get over in life. Friends reject you, Employers reject you, colleges reject you, credit cards reject you and finally members of the opposite sex reject you. It is tough when it happens. But you move on. Everybody moves on. Its stupid not to move on. I personally believe (like many do) that "what doesn't kill you -- only helps you". Brooding on lost love and using that to ignore other important things is escapism. That will certainly kill you :-). The idea is to get on with it. It is tough but you have to get on with it. And you know what? You will move on. Thats the nature of life. In about 3 months, I have seen the same romeo's feel happy, hate the girl and actively pursue other girls. There is no loyalty in hanging on to the past and thinking about the same girl. That is no loyalty. Loyalty is to self and for that you have to move on. To be frank in about 6 months it wont be a big deal. To be brutally frank it is not a big deal. People can live without a lot of things. Love is easily one of them.

There is no point blaming the girl or telling others "she used me" etc. The girl is doing whats best for her. I am reminded of Kamal hassan's quote in an interview (sometimes he says awesome things). A person walks on the road and he steps over an insect without knowing it. Does it mean he has a vengance against the insect or has something against it. No! It is his nature to do that. He is doing his job and it is the nature of the insect to be stamped. The way I look at it - That is the way things have been arranged.

50 comments:

Anupadmaja said...

Bharath I lou youuuuuuuuuuuu :)

forrest gump said...

"i may not be a smart man....but i know what love is"

BARATH said...

/* That is the way things have been arranged*/
..and people think "love" is different from "arranged" ;)

This is hilarious and sensible stuff (maye be 'coz, I did not (yet) "Fall" in love?)

-Barath

Anonymous said...

bharath ,

if this is intented for me , all i can say is it is a strange feeling that has no expressions whatsover and i am lucky to experience it once in my life.
But the unfortunate thing is i couldn't recognise this feeling till she is no more there for me. and i am not confusing posessiveness or the feeling of she ditched me here kind of... when i came to know that she is no more mine i had a mixture of feelings and i took my time to get a clearcut of idea of if my ego got hurt in this case. but the result is no.

when it comes to your expression of love in dreams its different in my case.i always saw her like a beautiful sweet lady and my life long companion who is there with me always. ( definitely not a friend )these kissings ,huggings are more or a materialistic and sensual pleasures( which should be there ...otherwise there would no word called as romance ) and i am glad that i am educating u in this aspect that these doesn't encompass the true feeling of love if u really feel one..I always associated a more spiritual association to this relationship.These, as swarnamukhi's blog describes are more related to emotional zone too.last 3 months are the most beautiful months of my life which has changed me completely however much most of my friends have tried for last 3 years. the fact remains solid that she is not there for me anymore but believe me she will never be out of my thoughts in my entire life because i am experienced enough to understand the difference between crush , friendship and love :-).

the topic of love unlike business is more related with heart than with mind. .... and i declare here ...... i love her unconditionally....from my heart... and may be i just dont deserve it from her that she has choosen her path and i still admire her a lot for her decision to move on with life. thanks a lot for spending your time for a topic u are least interested in , to help me out.......

tilotamma said...

enna Bharath - thidirnu endha topic?

Hawkeye said...

dude anon,

if u r the guy whom i call with ur passwd rather than actual name then its u whom i wrote it for.

looking at ur writing style and mention of swarna mukhi's blog i think its you.

as i said.. i am not a big expert.. but i know how to get over dissapointments and that helps in life.

Hawkeye said...

anu,

u made a spelling mistake its "lauve" not "lou"

Hawkeye said...

forrest gump,

so which song is this.. i thought it was "forigner" but cant figure it out

Hawkeye said...

barath,

after this age.. i think u just have to wait for arranged marriage. u should have learned from your classmates :-)

Hawkeye said...

tilo,

i mentioned the reasons why i wrote it..but turns out the guy knows much better than me.

forrest gump said...

what song???
haven't you seen my movie???
i told this to jenny!!!!
This part is probebly the most quoted part of the movie other than the "life is a box of chocolates" crap!!(zemekis made me say that....i think life is more like poop rather than chocolates!

man.....ur dumber than me:):)!!!!!

Hawkeye said...

forrest gump,

the song " i wanna know what love.. i know you can tell me" is playing on my head since morning and i am stuck in that.

sorry.. not a big forrest gump fan..even though zemeckis is one of my all time favorites.

Saurabh said...

Hey Bharath,

If I had to write a blog on this topic, it would have been very, very, very close to what you penned .. err.. typed down ...

My thoughts precisely :)

Hehe ...

- Saurabh

BARATH said...

Bharath,

Had I followed my classmate, I would have written the same blog to 10 other girls. :(

Naan, yaarayum kuripittu sollala, podhuva dhaan sonnen..;)

tilotamma said...

seri - I missed that part.

and guys regularly dump girls too you know :-) for the same reason - the girl doesn't fit in the scheme of things at that time......

Karthik Narayan said...

I am happy to see something not related to MBA or GRE. Yet to read the post completly, will leave a detailed comment later.

Ahh Anu you guys are "Young Lauvers"

Senthil said...

Hey bharath,

I got the "let me think about it" reply ;-) about 2 years back. Both of us have moved on now.
Nice post it brought back a few of those memories and when i think about it now, it does seem a li'il funny :-) all those days spent on dreaming bout the future , living the romantic songs ... man those were the times .

Anupadmaja said...

"This takes away any structure out of the process and any hope of putting an algorithm."

On that note, i think lou is as valid as lauve is (and love too) :)

Anush said...

One could go on and on about this topic. Everyone has their own version about it. It is actually quite easy to accept what Surya says to Esha Deol in Ayudha Ezhuthu - it is all hormonal based, chemistry based, etc. Rejection happens when at least one of them didn't quite know what he/she wanted in a partner and they mature to a newer level during the course of the relationship based on the renewal of their perception of the opposite sex. Moving on further is definitely a great idea, but it takes different lengths of time for different people. They say life will continue you to teach you the same lessons until you learn them.
For the person who has written the fourth comment - the closest point where love can get unconditional is the one from your parents. And please believe that you deserve everything you feel like you deserve. Nobody else can make you 'less deserving'. Time is a great healer and Bharath is right in that people will inevitably move on. Loyalty is indeed to the self 'cause nobody is actually losing sleep over your miseries though they may all be concerned.

Karthik Narayan said...

Allrite, I finally read the post.

First, every one does this mistake and you have done it too. It's not Love, its more of a Crush or a Liking.

I mean, I like Aishwarya Rai, that does not mean I love her. Love is way more complex and mature, its being at that level when words become unnecessary.

The point being, your friend had a crush and the girl did not. This happens every day, its like you trying to get a coke and the vending machine throws you a Mountain Dew or for that matter nothing at all.

You stop pickup the pieces and move on.

Like my friends always used to say. Never wait for a Train, Bus or a Girl. Coz if one leaves, there is always another that will come by.

My $.02

Hawkeye said...

/*I mean, I like Aishwarya Rai, that does not mean I love her */

what do you mean? I love her. Are you saying it wont work.

Karthik Narayan said...

No, I am saying that my affection to Aishwarya Rai or the Million other women I am attracted to cannot be defined as love.

It can be defined as a crush, as a liking, not love.

Karthik Narayan said...

Will it work.... Who the F knows. I just might get lucky ;-)

Anonymous said...

To all guys ... only one of you is going to get Aishwarya Rai. So move one :)

Anonymous said...

I meant move on in my prvious comment.

Anonymous said...

I don't know the story of person to whom this blog was addresses but seeing the blog and the comment that this person has left...i can empathize with the person ... i can say it's really hard to move on if your love is based on something other than looks .. well it's hard to explain so i will leave it here..

as the blog itself says, its hard to predict how someone's mind works..so that being the case while it may be easy for some to move on, others just tend to hang on to their memories!

anantha said...

Thalaivar idha pathi oru 10 varusham munnadi sonnanaru.. enna sonnaru na..

Nee virumbaravala kalyanam panradhoda onna virumbaravala kalyanam pannina, vazhkai valama irrukum nu..

Innonum sonnaru... "ponnu padhavi panam.. thaana varanum"

Moonavadhu sonnaru..."andavan nallavangala romba sodhippan, aana kai vidamaatan. Kettavangalukku vaari vaari kuduppan aana kadasila kai vittuduvan"

Ellam mahabaratha lendhu vara sindhanai idhu. Duryodhan kettan nu, avaroda full army ya Kauravar pakkam fight panna sonnavaru, thaan poi Arjunan kku vandi ottinaaru.. Adhe madhiri dhaan.

Seri, idha naan en solla varen na.. therila.. sollanum nu thonitthu. :D

Oh btw, my take on the whole thing. Love (as we know it) is over-rated. Compatibility is what counts. idhu eppadi irruku...

Hawkeye said...

u do things and things happen to you.froma 50-50 start..u start pushing and increasing the "u do things" part to 70, 80 90. Then fate comes in and pushes back and "things that happen to you" gains ground from 10, 20, 30.

If at the marriagable (is it a word) age you are 90-10 "things that you do" then you have control. If you are 20-80 "things that happen to you" you take what is given.

Since the whole "if at the marriagable age" is part of "things that happen to you"... its not in your hands

tilotamma said...

hawkeye - Haveyou seen Ab Thak 55?

Babs said...

ok, my take on Love.

I believe Love is one thing u can really compare with flower.
It takes time to blossom, it grows forever and never dies unlike its counterpart. Its not quite like experience but feelings are stronger as time passes by. Some ppl talk about love at first sight which I think is only physical and may be some extra sensory or subconscious attraction, but the Real love grows with time.
Some say ppl can fall out of Love, I believe that means they didn't open many doors inside to grow in the first place.
OK what about compatibility ? I think Compatibility is directly proportional to tolerance (or atleast I feel that way), lets say food is not compatible between two then how tolerant are u towards that annoyance.....so on so forth

Bharath you are so right about moving on, remember Queens song "show must go on".
Its true the feeling stays on like a scar, put that shouldn't let one down.

Anonymous said...

bharath,
u and i got it right.
i am stunned to see the number of comments at 30 when i opened ur blog now.
cool....
thnx anush , for reminding me abt the unconditional love of our parents. i strongly feel it is the one for which i am still alive today.
bharath , i have had many disappointments in life . but no disappointment is as strong as this . when u were telling the suicide attempt stories of your room mates ( to me and raghu when we were developing the image editor:-) ) , i laughed at those persons who behaved cowardly and took everything to heart.at that time when i was laughing at others i never realised that one day even i had to commit suicide. infact i did when i was in hungary , but my mind just couldn't accept the act.. if it would have i would not be writing like this now.

and when i lookback in my life .... those 2 horrible hours when i thought of committing suicide will haunt me forever in my life. because memories are something i cannot so easily get out of...

there is a movie i heard but i didn't see.. ( Everlasting sSunshine of an Eternal Mind . i think...) starring kate winslet and jim carrey , where the heroine gets her memory erased to get rid of her boy friends memory when the relationship gets broke.Something of that sort has to happen to me too... otherwise ... u dont know... even now... there is no single day that i dont think about her.............i am thinking of every possible way to get rid of her thoughts... making myself as busy as possible thinking about my parents , talking to my sister ...doing almost everything... but she is always there with me..... every single minute every single second... and i am not able to understand the reason.....
and last week i even went to bangalore ... thought of meeting a psychiatrist at NIMHANS to ask him one question.... Why am i not able to forget a girl for last 3 years... however much she tried to convey me that she is not interested in me ?

and do u think that .... i never heard you... ??
I still remeber all those conversations we had about love .. in tower 4 top floor...where u used to tell that it is impossible to invert the feelings of a girl.

all i can understand about me is .. i am infinitely mad about a girl who is not interested in me and my mind is logically dead as far as that girl is concerned. and there is no other girl who can replace her.

Vazhve Maayam said...

anonymous,

You atleast have people to share it with. I proposed to a girl and she rejected me. She used the same where did you get the vibe sentence used in the blog.

I ran behind her like a beggar but no use.... the moment I heard she was in love with another person, I lost all interest in her. It went away like a finger snap. It was almost like rebirth. I felt I had no pressure. No one to please except myself. I suddenly regained control of my life. Did well in studies, loved another person, failed again, got a job and also got married. Nothing was lost. I am more stronger and colder than I ever was.

Life is a great teacher. When you come out of this you will be a much better man than you ever were.

- A Buddy

Sudipta Chatterjee said...

"Friends reject you, Employers reject you, colleges reject you, credit cards reject you and finally members of the opposite sex reject you."

This says it all :))

Wonderful post!

Will look forward to more

Hawkeye said...

Calrification:

"room mate story" = neighborhood story

To Roommates: It is the "Jittu Kinni" incident that is being referred to. Don't get alarmed. I am not making up stories about you people (although I thought half of you were gay).

Anonymous said...

i think her marriage news is working as a slow poison on my brain.


in the above comment.......
when i used "commit suicide" ... i mean "attempt to commit suicide" :-)
Excuse my english.

enough comments on this.. :-)

Bharath...more blogs on your MBA experiences please....also... have u been following cricket these days... india lost to south africa today..

Anonymous said...

Hey lover boy..we all fall in love and start dreaming and then some who are lucky enough get married to same person and others get married to the other person. Don't feel bad and sorry for yourself..just get married .. After all this love and tears and fights with parents for getting married you will realise that in the end..its all the same:)))


- Vrinda

Anonymous said...

I have the same problem of forgetting and moving on as ANON here (although our stories might be totally different) so i can understand why it is difficult for him to move on.

More than love gone unrequited it's a crushing feeling of helplessness and defeat that rankles you. if you think of it, it is a game you lost and you need a second chance but the other players are no longer willing to play.

i m speaking from personal experiences here...in my case there was so much i could have done or said, but i did not do and i dont realize how naive i was until one fine day she goes off..

And as much as i can reason out this part very clearly, at the end of the day the reality is harsh and bitter and hard to forget, so you have to forcibly divert the mind. the tough part is the girl still lives next door!

Anush said...

To the person who wrote the fourth comment - I'm glad that you decided not to be stupid and commit suicide or the like. It means that you have decided for yourself that you can't be useful to the world in anyway, which can never be true. Simple things like planting trees can make your life worthwhile to live.

Here is a motivational story:
http://are.berkeley.edu/~atanu/Stories/planted_trees.html

Not worth it buddy! Think about the imperfections the girl had...that may help to get over the 'angel-like impression' you have about her. And it may not take long for you to realize that there are others who can replace her, quite possibly even in a better way.

couple of other movies that are very inspiring - "life is beautiful", the tamil movie "Autograph", if you haven't seen.

Anyways....have a great day, everyone!

Deepa said...

Sometimes if you are lucky, you get married to the person you love and sometimes, if you are lucky, you don't get married to the person you love(d) 'coz the one you have now is the best possible deal.:-) Good Post hawkeye!

Sarada said...

Bharath,

This is the first time I have thought of posting a comment to your blog. I’ve always admired your thought process.

About “Love” I have a humble opinion to convey. “Love should happen” and it can never be planned or forced or being dumped upon one. Love should happen at both the ends. If one person proposes and the other person rejects, saying that I don’t feel anything for you or I never thought of you like that it doesn’t mean that the other is bad or materialistic. Anybody for that matter has their own imaginations and expectations about their life partner. It’s their will and wishes to accept a proposal or not. People always think that only guys feel an unconditional or true love and do anything to attain a love and loose them in love. There are also girls who try their level best and loose everything in love. The difference rejection brings in their life is they adjust themselves to accept what they get. To my opinion any person who take their rejection of their love proposal as the end of their life I feel like shouting “Love is a part of life and not everything of life”.

Anonymous said...

Peopleee.....

At first instance i thought of stopping these comments here by not commenting at all... but the way u people took time to convey ur thoughts to console me , soothe me , give a second person look about love and life or shout at me has made me reply like this.....

I dont know how many people use their hearts these days... but when u do something by heart and u get a rejection , it really takes hell lot of a time to get out of it...

guys... when bharath said about me that "I am going thru the rough patch of my life... ".... he means to make this getting out time as less as possible.... and i empathise with him for that.... and all i want to tell u ... is if i read these comments . get motivated and inspired about life... ..go home . jump the hell out of the top floor..... take a bath... refresh myself... and say that........... "hey..... i forgot that girll.... she is no more in my life......." then ... i dont think i would have wasted 3 years thinking about one single girl in these days of multiple husbands....and multiple wives..

.... its not as easy as it appears unless u experiecnce it. i read each and every comment and thanks to each and every person who took out their time in conveying their ideas....

straight 4m my heart.... it takes hell lot of a time...to really forget a person... especially ... if you get strong hints from the other person that she is also interested in me...

and also... i strongly believe that i am no more a teenager.... :-) ... however much i say i attempted to commit suicide.

anush, good idea yar.... i had been trying a lot... but u know what .... i like her imperfections too.... that is the problem.thats the reason... this rough patch ... might take more time for me than what it ususally takes for every one.

i saw the telugu version of autograph... even in that movie ... i believe it took 2 full uyears for him to come out and start a fresh life... even the movie itself says that he doesn't want to come out... but its his girl friend who feels it as sympathy than love who tells him to folllow the other path... but i think ... if you really love a person... truly..... i am telling you .... from my personal expereiince its going to take a lifetime to forget her.

Please... stop here.... there are many interesting topics going round every where...
1. cricket.
2. politics.

monk.and.monkey said...

Bharath,
I'm not surprised to see so many comments on this topic...but 41 comments is still a BIG number..
I dont have anything more/new to say about LOVE than these experts. Infact, I shud be the last person in this world selected to talk about love, but will be the first one to lecture on "unrequited" love.
I never had courage to express love in my life, and when i had the courage to express, it just simply went out of hands.
As everyone, I too was jolted, shocked and dismayed. But we shud accept that something in this world are just not meant to happen, and the things that happen are meant to be so.
We should also know that each person we meet is entitled to have their own whims and wishes just like we have, and the situation of the concerned persons also determine whether a love will be requited or not.
However, it is not that easy for the person involved to suddenly feel inspired or motivated and to move on with life. It will definitely take time to do so, but there is no other way other than to do that.
But there is another important thing in life that shud make one take heart. Whatever happened in one's life happened only for his/her benefit. This wont look true/clear in the immediate future and the above statement may even make one have a hearty laugh at it. But when one does an introspection later on in life, one can clearly see that it was good that something was not meant to be so.
Also life is not just a "one-shot" thing. There will be lots of possibilties that can happen later. The story line of the movie "Autograph" was not just crap. It truly reflects real life, and an "unrequited" love in one's Teenage will be the last thing one will bother about later on in his/her life. Also it is not true that even a "requited" love will be a success and the persons involved will go on to live a "happily ever after" life later on.
I'm writing this post to convince/console your friend and even myself ;-)

~ Murali

Arvind M Venugopal said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
tilotamma said...

alrite I think anon wants you to write a new post now Bharath.
He is right - he is not going to forget things overnite. Meanwhile he seems to have enough of advice from folks the world over :-)

Hawkeye said...

tilo,

this week is bad.. dont have time for new post

tilotamma said...

Here is a bad suggestion Redux one of your old ones like I do from time to time ...........

Ram said...

Since everyone has added their version, I'd not want to be left out!

First off.. Bharath, for someone who is not an expert, it was a really well written post!

Having gone through it at different times.. both as the initiator and the recipient... with variable results, lengths of time and feelings.. all I can say is.. each time it is unique and you have to really enjoy those moments when you are in love or are being loved... there is nothing in life that can ever equate to those moments.!

Even if you did not win your love as your spouse.. there is nothing in this world that will take away those magc moments albeit of fantasy! Each one's experience is unique and cannot be surpassed by any other.

harish said...

Simply put it is an inducible state of mind which you will yourself to be in or out of!!! Well afterall opinions are like a*****es...and so is this specific to me alone. Wouldn't call it a very generic version unless someone tried to read beyond the lines.

Anonymous said...

machi... Friends reject you, Employers reject you, colleges reject you, credit cards reject you and finally members of the opposite sex reject you

Loyalty is to self and for that you have to move on.

suppppppppperappu

Suchithra said...

I second Anupadmaja. I have read your blog for 4 years now. Maybe more. I agree with some of it, disagree with some of it. Have commented a couple of times. But I just started reading your series on Love vs Arranged and then came to this post and wanted to say exactly what Anupadmaja did.
1) I love you for what you write. Brilliant is an over-used word for it.
2) Please finish that Love-vs-Arranged story.