Monday, April 24, 2006

"Passing" in the Test

So, I did not know they'd need your pee for a drug test. I had to take a drug test as part of my pre-joining formalities for my internship. I had to drive till Detroit (I hate detroit) to this laboratory. I walked in to the laboratory to see 10-15 people sitting in the waiting room. I walked up to the receptionist, who seemed to be this matter of fact, stern "I-dont-want-to-talk about-the-weather-just-pee-and-go" kind of a person.

She took a look at my papers and said "so are you ready to go to the bathroom". I was taken aback. That was a strange question to ask. Amused by the blank look I gave her, she asked "Do you need to go to the bathroom .....for the drug test? Do you have to go now?". I understood the import of what she said, shrugged and said "yes! why not" and it was her turn to be taken aback. She asked "Are your ready to go.... Now!?". I didn't understand what this confirmation/reconfirmation was all about and said "ya! sure...I can go Now!". She said "wait near that door and I'll open it for you" and went away. Thats when I realized what the 10-15 people waiting (in the waiting room) were doing. They had come for the drug test but in a "you know its the darnest thing" kind of way - they couldn't go. They were waiting and motivating themselves to go. People were scratching their head and gazing up at the ceiling wondering if there was a science to making it come.

See! I think this is nature's way of taking revenge on you. Usually when nature calls, people don't answer it immediately. That is if the person under scrutiny happened to be older than 5. People less than 5 years old answer nature's call the instant it arrives. There is no waiting or holding back. However, suddenly after you cross age 5, you dont start picking up nature's calls but instead wait until you think its convenient, nature is naturally upset. Its like seeing the caller I.D when the phone rings and you think " I wont answer him now, I'll call him after 9 PM when my night-time minutes start". So when the time for a urine test comes and you are ready to answer nature if it calls - it doesn't call. It makes you wait, cry, beg, plead drink booz until it decides to pick up the phone and call you. Its nature's way of saying "take that for holding it until your face turned red". This is precisely what nature was doing to those 15 people.

Me. I am a different kind of guy. I was born with a feeling that I have to go. Nature did not call me, I called nature. Pretty much whenever I wanted. When we were travelling to Shimla on an excursion and the bus stopped on the road (in the middle of an arbitrary forst) and my friends had to go (it was like a 15 hour journey) behind the bushes, they asked " I am scared of going alone, anybody coming?". I'd go. Not that I had to go. I was fine but I still said "sure...why not" and went. I was the come-with guy. Its like I have a pact with nature. I just summon and it calls. It is almost like Superman's hearing ability. I have this super power and I have decided to use it to help fellow humans.

Given the circumstances, I wasn't surprised the lady was taken aback. She must've thought, "who does this punk think he is, he is not gonna 'pass' ". Unfortunately, she didn't know who she was dealing with. So, I was taken to a room with an attached bathroom, asked to wash my hands. My pockets were checked and she asked " do you have anything on you, any bottles etc". I answered in negative. She said "you have exactly 4 minutes, fill this bottle up and do not flush the toilet". Like a seasoned professional, using my decades of peeing experience, I did the necessary (still dont understand the dont-flush part). I think as per law, she had to stay outside and listen for unusual activity. When I came out, she was frankly amazed over my super-human ability to pee-at-will. Defeated and humbled she said " you are all set sir! the results will be sent to your company in 48 hours". I was out in 3 minutes. I looked at the people waiting outside and smiled. They couldn't believe their eyes.

The losers!

20 comments:

Rohit said...

ROFLMAO. Truly hilarious. Thumbs up!!

Casement said...

Gut-busting!!!;))

anantha said...

Brilliant....:) One of your best that I have read so far!

Sudipta Chatterjee said...

Too-good, hawkeye!! Absolutely brilliant! And to imagine 10-15 people sitting together looking at each other to see if their faces can make each other pee :D

LMAO!!

Anu said...

I HAD to share my 'peeing for drug test' experience on reading this post. I drank a bunch of water just before I left for the lab, assuming it would make the 'process' much easier and I would be saved the embarrassment of having to wait. Well, I reached the lab and like in your case, I was READY! Everything went off well. Next thing you know, I get a call a few days later from the company that hired me. The HR guy informs me that I failed the drug test! Reason - my pee was too diluted!! ..and that I would have to take the test again, this time at the company health center itself. So, I had to drive about 4 hours to get to this place and take the test a second time!
~Anu

Anupadmaja said...

Anu, sounds like after the 4 hour drive, you must have sure "concentrated" well and passed the test :)

Anu said...

You betcha! :-)

Anonymous said...

"I think as per law, she had to stay outside and listen for unusual activity."

Or listen to the usual activity :-)

-Prabhu

Yuvi Panda said...

ROTFL. Hilarious dude...

Anonymous said...

Bharath,
What industry are you interning with?

Prabhu said...

Anonymous,

Why would he ever tell you?

Paeru ezhudu pa...

(He doesnt work in any company related to the topic addressed in the post, though:) )

Anonymous said...

are you adding a New Definition to Loosers : ?

who cannot pee when required..
????

Anonymous said...

Hehehe.... You know what, bro... I am gonna take this as a challenge and see if I can pee at any random instant of the day...

Hawkeye said...

rohit, casement,

thanks;

anti,

romba nandri dude!

Hawkeye said...

sudipta,

the funny thing is - everybody knows why they are waiting for. and seeing an another person reminds one that they have to pee and the more they think about it the more they cant pee

Hawkeye said...

anu,

its been 48 hrs and my company hasnt called me. i think i should be okay

anupadmaja and anu,

:-)

Hawkeye said...

yuvi panda,

thanks :-) visited your blog. good going dude!

anonymous,

/* are you adding a New Definition to Loosers : ?

who cannot pee when required..
???? */

ya if u have been doing it for years and cant do it when it counts...whats the use. its not as if u have to study for an exam

Hawkeye said...

anonymous,

u can pee at any instant. it just takes practice.

Jo said...

Hi,
This is my first time here.I stumbled upon this blog during my inane browsing!! Found this post really hilarious..!!Did the lady really say "You exactly have 4 minutes???"...sounds like you are participating in some quiz contest ;)

Aswin Anand T.H. said...

awesome man!! :D