Monday, August 14, 2006

"KANK not a threat to Gillette" - Bachan Jr Furious.

Kabali Times, Mumbai Aug 14, 2006:

In what is a new twist to the concept of 'blade', Gillette, the makers of razors, have filed a case in Mumbai High court that the makers of Kabhi Alvida Na Kehna (KANK) are conspiring to lock young men in theatres for an indeterminate period of time. Thereby denying them a chance to shave in a timely manner. Among the first batch people who had successfully watched KANK till the end, 53 people filled the Kabali Times survey. 41 people needed a shave when they came out of the movie. 17 of those were women. Vikram Jetmalani, representing counsel for Gillette, said in his submission to the court that Abhishek Bachan, conspired with movie producers to achieve this end. Gillete claims that Abhishek has draconian plans to make everybody to grow a beard like him. The PIL said that "The movie has been kept deliberately long, to keep youngsters as hostages in theaters for eternity. As a result they have not come out to shave and Gillette has seen 73% drop in revenues after KANK released" . Gillette CEO while talking to the press said "we respect people like Mahesh Bhatt and Subash Ghai. They are man enough to compete with us directly by making blades of their own. We are appalled by this underhanded effort of hijacking the shaving community in theaters for years. Shame! Shame!"

When contacted, Bachan Jr, who was hoisting I-Day flag in Thane Beard Club and distributing chocolates to young bearded men to annul his manglik dosha, became furious and denied the allegation. "What does Vikram Jetmalani know? Having a beard is style, it is Gillette who are against beards. I am just showing people the South Indian way of life. Beards rock - it got me into the sack with Aishu".

Meanwhile several parents in Pune, Maharashtra have started complaining to police that their children have not yet returned after setting out to watch KANK. Jalaja, resident of Parihar Chowk, complained to Kabali Times that the police were not taking prompt action. " my son went last Sunday to watch this movie, he has not yet returned", said Jalaja in tears. When the Aundh police station was contacted, it was confirmed that the SP Ghokle, who had gone to see the preview show 13 days ago, had not yet returned. The Governor S.M.Krishna returned half-way through the movie complaining of severe dehydration. His 5-year term had expired when he was in the preview theater and the government clarified that they had no severe impact as a result of the Governor being absent for almost half his term. Chief Minister Deshmukh did not see KANK as a result if his son not being part of the movie. "My son can cry too", complained Deshmukh, "Sharukh Khan is limp and Abhishek is inadequate. My son could have done both roles. He is a natural". The US Consul general denied reports that the American government was considering KANK as a replacement for capital punishment. "We don't want Human rights organization to get alarmed at such sort of news" clarified Robert Clive, the Consul General.

Meanwhile, men support groups have been launched all over India as men begin to cling to each other in an effort to seek encouragement. The idea is to thwart female members of their family from hijacking them to KANK. [Warning: Kabali Times would like to warn audience that the following news items may contain violence, shock and is potentially dangerous to husbands with heart problems]. The level of threats by women folk has increased to shocking levels and the men are barely surviving the brutal nagging. "My wife has refused to have sex with me for last 8 days. Just because I refused to take her to KANK" said Mr. Shukla speaking over the phone from Hyderabad. "I am newly married and the longest we have gone without sex is 4 days. But I cannot go to KANK, I simply don't have that much vacation left and... my beard grows really fast... I need a shave every day....sob..sob..I love my shave...I like sex too...waaaaahhh!", he sobbed uncontrollably. These sort of threats has caused unbelievable panic across the country. Men from all over the country are taking confidence from each other to somehow survive the threat of sex, blackmail and nagging and are praying Sidhi Vinayak temples for the KANK threat to pass quickly. Mumbai, known for its famous spirit, Johnny Walker, showed extra-ordinary resilience, when a group of well-meaning neighbors kidnapped Mr. Lakshmanan Balachandran from being dragged into the theater by his wife Kulamageswari Palaniappan. One of the neighbors said " Ms Kulamagal dragged Lakshmanan on the basis of her knowledge of Hindi learned as second language in Madurai. Who was she kidding? Mr.Lakshmanan has no knowledge of Hindi. What will he do for so many years inside the theater? He pleaded to her and then to us. He was on his knees begging for 3 days. We took pity on him and framed him for the bomb blasts. I used my connections with the police to do this. Now he is happily spending time in Jail. Lucky Soul"

In an unrelated incident, Karan Johar could not 'cut' and 'paste' things on his computer because he has a handicap. He cannot see the words 'e d I t'. He reportedly could not answer the fill in the blanks question of "the person who edits is called the ------" in his Pune Film institute final exams. A Kabali times reporter is spending the last 6 months undercover inside Mumbai's Metro theater waiting for title credits to get over and report to us if the movie ever had an editor in the first place. From reports received from inside the theater, we can reliably confirm that they are providing bed pans, filter coffee, pension, gratuity, and 6 month bonuses for the audience watching the movie. Special in-theater coaching classes have been provided for young Ajay who missed 7th and 8th standard while he was in the theater. I.D cards are being issued inside the theater so that the kith and kin of movie watchers are able to recognize themovie goers after so many years of change.


Anonymous said...

When I saw the heading I thought u were comparing blade and the movie. post padichathu appuram thaan conspiracy theory purinchathu. Kamal stylea sollanumna "Ithu athayum thaandi punidhamanathu".

manglik dosha

naan inimel unga bloga officela padikamaten. inga ellorum ennaya oru mathiriya parkaranga

Anonymous said...

Silly blog!

sunshine said...

Hilarious!!! enjoyed it thoroughly!!

Sowmya said...

I thought Aish was the one with manglik dosha. What is this obsession with women and moustaches? Epdiyaavadhu moLaikkumaannu paarkarayaa?

So u endured the toture huh??

Anonymous said...

I have been a silent reader, for quite some time! But could not resist commenting on this post of yours..!!This is really funny and made me smile on a particularly gumpy day :-) Thank you!

Ace of Space said...

Hehehe! That was hilarious... We were just considering watching that movie tonight in the theatres here and seeing your post is like a God-sent warning... Thanks!
So, did you sit through it?

Anonymous said...

Looks like its yet an other 'epic' from Karan Johar!

Hema said...

Hello Hawkeye,

Got to read some really wonderful posts after a very long time. Had been to our lovely Thainaadu for a month long vacation, just posting my comments on all your posts.

A bit ;) of exaggeration on KANK :) although i must admit I am a great fan of Karan Johar and i do feel his movies makes one feel quite pleasant. Havent seen KANK yet, but will anyway see it this weekend...:)

Teju said...


what a way...what a way.... what a way to write this stuff....

simply superb....

your creativity rocks!!!

The ramblings of a shoe fiend said...

they are providing bed pans, filter coffee, pension, gratuity, and 6 month bonuses for the audience watching the movie.

Now that's more than I get at my current job. How do I get in?

Anonymous said...

hawkeye -

hilarious blog...i am a regular anon reader ...btw wht do u have against jr. bachan...i thought he is the only good looking northi hero...atleast better than sunil shetty, munnabhai guy & kajol's husband...


I said...

Karan Johar is gay, I'm sure.

Rajni said...


Good post :)

There are lot many points in the movie which you could have written about in this hilarious fashion.

Would love to see another post by you on KANK if possible.

Hawkeye said...


thanks! athaiyum thaandi neela manathu


that was the intention.

Hawkeye said...


glad to know that. thanks.

Hawkeye said...


sorry olaritten...he is 'deloping' manglik dosha to annul both their mangalik dosha.

So u endured the toture huh??

me watching a love story and a sad weepy love story no way

Hawkeye said...


glad that I could be of help. thanks :-)

Hawkeye said...

ace of space,

spare poor babs! avan paavamn 'hindi' ariyaathavan.

in college he would not only stay away from such movies but literally ragged people who went to such movies

Hawkeye said...


ya vayasa's record is broken

Hawkeye said...


all the best. by time you come out of the movie the sun might have grown old and become a red dwarf.

dinosaurs might be back on the planet again

Hawkeye said...



shoe fiend,

u can swipe ur card and leave your office in the evening - can u do that here? :-)

Hawkeye said...


i am a big fan of abhishek bachan. in fact among the hindi actors today he is the only person i like. among the 7-8 hindi movies i have seen in the last 15 years 3 are AB Jr movies.

this was just for fun.

Hawkeye said...


karan johar is not human at all.

Hawkeye said...


i havent seen KANK just wrote based on its 'lengthy' reviews.

I am not sure i will see KANK. my wife goes for such movies with her friends.