Monday, March 12, 2007

Movie Review: 300 - Battle Porn

Bad Movie. Please stay away.

A good clean XXX pornography is just the sex. No build-up, no story, no characterization. Its just about the sex and sex in different positions. 300 is similar. Its battle porn. All they do is battle. No story, no characterization, no build-up. This movie has been made with new technology (used in "sin city") where actors do their stuff in green suits before a blue wall and the background hills, water, landscape are all drawn using a computer. This makes the movie look funny. The colors are too 'Utopian'. So are the 300 Spartans. All of them look like professional body builders, with a sculpted body. I suspect they are computer drawn too.

This is an old well-known story about 300 Spartans resisting invasion of 250,000 Persians. Gaptun Vijaykanth would have been proud. Persians are attempting to conquer the entire planet and a Persian king who claims to be god wants the Spartan king to kneel before him. But Spartan law disallows them from retreating or withdrawing. So they fight on and on and on and on. The Spartans are professional warriors, bred on the art of war from birth. Each person has to survive a super selection process to become a spartan warrior. So given their superior strength and war skills they cause unspeakable damage to Persians. The block a hill and funnel the persions through a narrow path called "hot gate". The numbers don't matter then and the Spartans slaughter the Persians like cows. It is said that the Persians had so many causalities that in retrospect the battle wasn't worth the victory.

After a while the fights looked video game'ish, the blood funny and graphics artificial. It looked like a gay orgy with so many thighs and sandals. It had its high points also. An 'adolescent' hot chic dances nude, the king humps the queen (front and back) till her face turns blue and the extremely hot queen offers herself to a senator for some serious 'Bondage'. These scenes helped the movie's cause a long way. The overall costume design of the movie was even more funny. The leather stuff made for some badly made porn S&M stuff. I watched it with a group of friends and we couldn't stop repeating the corny dialogs "your thrust is strong" "lead them through the hot gates" and finally "i promise you. you wont enjoy this and this will not be short". The last quote though was said by the senator after he flips over the queen backwards as she prepares herself to save the country, king and honor of Sparta.

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

" All of them look like professional body builders, with a sculpted body. I suspect they are computer drawn too "

the lead hero worked out for one full year in canada to build his body with other professional bodybuilders. infact two weeks back he came on jayleno's show , and showed his body , its fucken so sculpted, that i couldnt believe my eyes.

and by the way it has taken in 70 million for the weekend opening .go watch the movie its fanstastic.

Bala said...

"hot gates" is the actual translation for "Thermopylae". There is a good novel called "gates of fire" by steven pressfield on this subject. (itself rumored to be a film on the works by michael mann).

Homoerectic overtones aside, this is one serious battle in history. The battle of thermopylae delayed the persian army for three whole days, which in turn allowed the athenians to get their fleet out of athens harbor and defeat the persian fleet at salamis, which in turn led to the defeat of the persian invasion force in the battle of palatea. So if leonidas and the 300 hadn't stood there, there would have been no greece and rome and we would be living in a very very different world

in real life, the spartans were some screwed up dudes ;-). add to this frank miller's vision, you get 300. If only robert rodriguez or tarantino directed this movie, it would have been the greatest B movie ever made

Hawkeye said...

anon,

i know that. i heard the fellow was so disgusted with gym. i was referring to other guys. did u see the captain's body, his son's body and that one-eyed fellow's body? looked similar to me. as i said 'i suspect'

bala,

thanks for the info. i think there has been a movie released deacdes ago on the same subject. i remember seeing either its documentary on history channel or some matinee movie.

but believe me. this is a very average movie for its hype. seems like a jerry bruckenheimer movie.

Anonymous said...

hmm .. I was surprised by your review .. The trailer looked very impressive to me and hence wanted to see it for myself ..

I have to say this .. I haven't seen a better war movie in a while .. and
I usually hate war movies .. the highlight of the movie is the stunning visuals .. never seen anything like it .. you don't want to wait for the DVD for this one ..

hawkeye, once again I am surprised by your review of this movie .. to me, the visuals were ground breaking even for hollywood .. the war scenes better than even Jet Li movies .. I suggest you watch this again ..

-SR

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Naren said...

I came across this post while I was looking for the technology used for this movie. Nice review.needless to say i loved the movie as i like any movie that can be remotely called comedy or action

Anonymous said...

Everybody were overwhelmed by the movie,and am a lover of war kinda movies,but hey there is no sense,there is no chivalry,just some blood spilling not equals gr8 war movies.The music score -rock kinda stuff was not n-sync with the movie.And yup,its so disturbingly picture perfect.I don und y ppl rave abt this mov

viagra said...

Thanks mate... just dropped by. Will look for BIKE STN when we get to Seattle. Still in Buenos Airies.