Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Tonti Tonti

My observation on this Twenty20 cricket tournament are as follows. I guess you know all the gory details of the victory very well. So, let me focus on the more important points.
1. To the guy who, barely 20 seconds after Sreeshanth caught the ball, sends the following email to all his friends, yahoo groups, discussion lists, scraps in orkut with a profound observation on the subtleties of the game -

"India won the twenty twenty World Cup".
Its a one line email. Says nothing more, nothing less. And I have question for him - " Dude! Whats the deal here?" If we didn't watch it, we don't care. If we did watch it, we already know. So whats the joie de vivre in communicating this news. Now, don't get me wrong. A simple 'yipeee' is great and far more profound than his dry piece of news announcing "India Won Twenty20 World Cup". These words barely convey the exhilarating enjoyment experienced in those final few moments of the game. It conveys as much joy as words of the hostel warden announcing to Oliver Twist "your soup is served". I see this email as a desperate bid by socially inept losers to get some new emails to their Inbox. I am sure your friends think you are very annoying, I say.
2. Of course, the group of people who don't answer to the name Ajit Agarkar will go to sleep knowing that he got Rs. 80 lacs. I sincerely hope they actually get some sleep. As a member of this illustrious group, I can tell you that sleep is hard to come by. I have to open every pay stub of mine thinking "and Agarkar earned so much". It is not that such a large amount was paid. It is that Agarkar failed in what he tried hard to achieve. Among the people who have failed so far in the entire history of failure, nobody has failed more than Agarkar. He even failed at failing... in that he failed to fail and so failed the opposition team - if you get the Visu that I am trying to say. While this is a significant achievement in itself, is it an achievement worth 80 lacs? If you say, "But he tried hard, if Kerala Govt pays Uthappa because his grandfather had sex in Kozhikode then Agarkar should get 80 lacs. Be happy that the Maharashtra govt has paid him nothing". But should the board pay him for merely trying hard? Trying hard is good. But the end result has to appreciated - India won the World Cup. Thats devastating for Agarkar's so-called 'tried hard' efforts. That the BCCI took the Rudyard Kipling way of treating the two impostors - victory and defeat - alike is what is not going very well with my sleep system. When Agarker is getting a poor performance appraisal from the boards of other countries for not having the killer instinct to deliver the final blow, it is quite discourteous of BCCI to throw money at him. It is un-Indian to laugh at other people's misery, I say.
3. Umar Gul looks like a Urukhai warrior. A king kong. He-man, if I may say so. A beast of a man, who looks like he'd slay 30 people in one blow. Given this, it is inconceivable that he could have the voice that he has. Feminish and almost squeaky. Listening to him was like listening to my 3 year old niece complain "he took my jam mommy"(of course I didn't take her jam). I now know how Danny Morrison felt in 1994, when he heard Tendulkar at the post-match conference "mate! is it the same guy who performed proctectomy on me". Bureaucracy in Brahma and Allah's org, I say.
4. The best moment came when i-am-not-a-metrosexual-but-muffasil-guy Dhoni threw Cow dung on Shastri's face. Ignoring the long question Shastri visu'ed at him after the semi-final game, he started with "First of all I'd like to say something" and went on to say something like "Hey Mac you said we'd lose, we didn't, so whaddaya hafta say now. huh!?". Shastri gave a Colgate smile in return. I am sure he was embarrassed not just in the 'patriotism' angle but that nobody would be asking him for stock tips for quite some time. You have to give it to Dhoni, it was said in such a nice way. He even ended with "you must be more happy with the result". It was Dhoni's translation of "you must be happy to be proven a fool". Nothing wrong in what Shastrigal said, he just didn't have the communication style that Dhoni has. Its all about communication, I say.
5. It was certainly all about communication for Pakistan's captain, Shoaib Malik. He was the second person, in as many post-match interviews, to ignore Shastri's visu'ish question and give his own speech by saying "First of all.." Makes you wonder about Shastri and his visu questions. Nobody cares about them. They don't answer him anyway. So, why is he setting his rather complex and difficult question papers anyway? Makes you also wonder about people who say "First of all" without really intending to say a "Second of all" . Seems rather cunning of such people to promise something and not live up to it. So Mr. Shakesphere Malik says this, and he says it quite eloquently I might add, "First of all I want to say something over here. I want to thank you back home Pakistan and where the Muslim lives all over the world." Now clearly, this Wordsworth'ish poem is not intended for the Rameez Raja's of the world, who I am quite sure is embarrassed. He intends to communicate these words to the guy (who is a Muslim and who lives all over the world...in Pakistan) who can actually understand these encrypted words. He is communicating to - the villager living 120 kms south of Karachi, who wants to behead Shoaib for losing the game. Young marketing folks, observe Shoaib's positioning statement. What Socrates here is trying to say is that - "Dear Village religious fundamentalist man, You are Muslim. I am Muslim. Remember that well. So don't behead me, don't burn my house and for god's sake don't drive my tractor away. We are Bhai-bhai bai. Oh! btw World Cup bye-bye". Its all about knowing your audience and positioning yourself to that audience, I say.

20 comments:

Sheela said...

Hilarious!!! Had a hearty laugh...

Karthik Sriram said...

Good one, Hawkeye - super, in fact. I really loved it when Dhoni on 2 or more occasions was tongue in cheek - once at shastri and once in the mumbai victory function nonsense... this guy has a future....

LKS

Karthik said...

No villages 120km south of Karachi. You'll be in the Arabian Sea, I say.

anangbhai said...

Spot on about Agarkar.
So...what? Are you saying Umar Gul likes to taste manflesh? Pakistani fans won't be happy.
Yeah, Shoaib's comments just took me out of the fun and joy. It was a very friendly and good series and now he's gotta go fuck it up for everybody. It almost felt like the Pakistani team also had so much fun that although they lost they weren't gonna pull that shit but Shoaib just had to have his say.
Reminded me of that line from Sholay, "Is mausi ne BHANJI mar di!"

Pri said...

maybe this is a formula we need to stick with. pick agarkar in the fourteen but have him sit around the dressing room and make his lakhs while the others go out and win us the game.

of course under no circumstance [not even as a substitute fielder] must he be allowed into the playing area.

Anonymous said...

Absolutely Hilarious!!!

Nidhi said...

Just too cool..!!! Enjoyed your post thoroughly...specially the part about Shoaib Malik...his comment was really in bad taste...and bad English!!!

Juvvi said...

You are saying that a guy with the fastest 50 wickets in ODI and some 300 odd wickets on the whole is a failure. You sure have lofty standards for success. Agarkar is a nice bowler and a superb out fielder. That's more than you can say about several members of the Indian team. If he deserves to be dropped based on his performances, so be it. But belittling his achievements are unwarranted.

Agarkar is as good as the Indian team he represents. Promising but delivering only in bursts. To try and find a pattern in his failure and dhoni's brilliance is only stating the cliches that will be proven wrong in the next two series. God, I don't understand why we take cricket so seriously. Especially 20-20 cricket. Joginder bowled such a defensive line that he deserved to have atleast 10 wides called in his name. The quality of cricket in the final was appalling because of the crappy tactics used. This momentum is just unsustainable. And the joke is that some losers are calling for Tendu and Dravid to be knocked out of the ODI team. Crazy bastards.

neha said...

"Umar Gul looks like a Urukhai warrior"

i have been trying to place him since the final and it has been killing me!

thankyou!

Anshuman Dimri said...

Great post.

By the way Maharashtra sarkar has announced 10 lac (each) prize money for Agarkar and Rohit. So make it 90 Lacs will you? :)

Cheers
Anshuman

Anonymous said...

I didn't watch the match but your third point reminded me of vivek comedy from ezhayin siripil the pathinaaru patti scene.

Deepa said...

Dhoni description is bang on. (Not meterosexual but mofussil) Ranchi pasangala kaila pidikka mudila these days. They have more pride than Mumbaikars or New Yorkers ever since Dhoni-the-captain happened.

Sujatha said...

If you don't already know about it, thought you might be interested in this book by David Leavitt about Ramanujan's relationship with Hardy called "The Indian Clerk". Good a good mention in the "Briefly Noted" section of the New Yorker.

Anonymous said...

Juvvi,

Agarkar is nothing but a mediocre cricketer... So what you are doing here is celebrating mediocrity... when you play the 200 games and have no proven perfomrer with you you are bound to perfrom like Agarkar... and what you are doing here is celebrating meiocrity.... and we indiand dont we love to celebrate mediocroty...

Sania Mirza reaches 2nd round... oh what a great achievement... Celebrating mediocrity again...

India wins 135 gold medals in the Saf game... India wins the Nehrun Gold cup football beating syria... WOW...

Thats how we celebrate mediocrity... so stop that and wake up and smell the coffee.....

-Ganesh

Hawkeye said...

All,

apologies for delay in replying to comments.

sheela,

thanks. :-)

LKS,

I missed the mumbai victory function. is it in you tube.

karthik,

:-)I knew karachi was a port.

anangbhai,

i think he is new to the job, in time he will learn.

pri,

:-) good one. I am sure he'll be back in the test and ODI team

anon,

thanks

nidhi,

:-) thanks.shoib malik's comment was a stunner. I wasnt sure I heard him right. I checked the papers and he did really say those combination of words

juvvi,

aha, a closet agarkar fan. i knew some agarkar sympathisers would exist but never seen one. I know that if I get to play for India without getting dropped (no matter what) for 10 years, I'll take more than 300 wickets. So would you.

neha,

with the long hair and all I couldnt think of anything else.

anushuman dimri,

thanks for ruining my sleep :-)

anon,

funny I thought of the same thing too after I wrote the post.

deepa,

ranchi people. you know them. I have met just one in my life.

Sujatha,

I read an interview of the author. I have to read the book. I guess Indian clerk might be made into a movie. Thanks for the note though.

ganesh,

Dont say anything bad about sania.

Juvvi said...

Ganesu,

What are you? Some expert in cricket, tennis, football and all such shit? Please tell me why the hell would I take the trouble to know who the best in any sport is? I like tennis and Gasquet. In cricket I like Agarkar. It must have been some spell that he bowled or some catch he took or a run he saved. Who cares. I don't watch cricket anymore and don't care about the world cups that India wins.

And yeah its hard enough to get into the Indian team and since Agarkar has done that, he must be good inspite of your claims to the contrary. You are all exaggerating just to induce a bit of drama into your speech and writing. If it makes you happy, credit must go to Agarkar for giving you the chance to masturbate.

I hate Sania and I wish she dies in some road accident in Hyd. She is a disgrace to tennis. With just an year of playing tennis, I have much better strokes and cover the court pretty well. Oh yeah, she is a girl and so she is excused because the entire women tennis, barring a few, is a load of crap.

Anonymous said...

Juvi,

//What are you? Some expert in cricket, tennis, football and all such shit?//

Did i ever claim in my post that i was an expert? And i dont need to be an expert to reply to you because you lack basic comprehension and reading skills?

//In cricket I like Agarkar.//

So just because you like a person and you celebrate him even if he is mediocre.

//It must have been some spell that he bowled or some catch he took or a run he saved. Who cares. I don't watch cricket anymore and don't care about the world cups that India wins.//

Then why the fack you commenting on a cricket article?

//And yeah its hard enough to get into the Indian team and since Agarkar has done that, he must be good inspite of your claims to the contrary.//

So you are saying we should reward proven failures despite the fact that he is worth nothing...

//You are all exaggerating just to induce a bit of drama into your speech and writing. If it makes you happy, credit must go to Agarkar for giving you the chance to masturbate.//

I'm not exaggerating any fact... please list 10 games where Agarkar has done consistently exceedingly well over the past few years...you will see he would not have performed in the next 15..

//With just an year of playing tennis, I have much better strokes and cover the court pretty well.//

Oh you are so full of yourself. you probably are mediocre in that too and you think you are better than her. ;-). I see why you like Agarkar now.

Dude, Just accept the fact that Agarkar is a mediocre cricketer and dont try to justify that with some stupid statistics like he took the fastest 50 wickets or he is close to 300 wickets...

Regards,

-Ganesh

Juvvi said...

If Indians do celebrate mediocrity, whats wrong with him being in the Indian team?

Oh yeah, you want the Indian team to come out of the rut and become a world beater. That's not going to happen and even if it does by some miracle, Agarkar will still be in the team :-)

Dude, I was simply responding to Hawkeye's claim that Agarkar didn't deserve that money he made from T20 world cup and something about failing to fail (which I didn't understand). He made the team and hence deserved the money. Its so simple.

And don't give this 'new age india' crap about rising above mediocrity when you have no idea what mediocrity is about. Look around you (if you are in US or India or anywhere else in the world). Thats mediocrity right there staring in your face and you come on to a blog to write crap about a system that you are a part of but don't have the guts to face in the real world. Dude, we all live because mediocrity thrives. And if you think you are among that 0.0001% special people in the world who are talented and know how to recognize the best, then you are wasting time responding to my comment. India has high hopes for you. Go on and change the world my friend.

And yeah, I am full of myself because I don't expect anyone else to take that responsibility. The comment on Sania still stands. She is a disgrace to tennis. And ofcourse, she is not alone.

Anonymous said...

i mustve spent close to 4 to 5 hours; dont know, dont care. awesome. stopping a while to gather my wits. always fun knowing brilliant mindscapes.

Anonymous said...

took me about 6 to 8 hours (more?)to read 4 years of posts. always an interesting experience, getting to know someone else, in complete anonymity. LSE blurb in the title belies your much restrained prose. enjoyed reading you thoroughly, however.