Monday, September 22, 2008

Thingara Kai'la Kazhuvanum. Kazhuvura Kai'la Thinganum

Its amazing how worst nightmares can quickly come true. About a month ago, I was developing a theory that while emotional stress, heartburn, disappointment and losses are all very painful - nothing really compares to physical pain of blood freely pouring out of your body. We simply underestimate the power of physical pain.

Sure enough, in a few days, I found myself face down in a hospital bed. Its amazing how things happen so quickly. It had only been 5-7 minutes since I met the doctor. Things began to deteriorate into a downward spiral the second after the first meeting happened. When the doctor uses words like "life threatening" and "dangerous" one gets face down on the bed in 2 minutes and asks no questions. So it was hard to be in the most chirpy of moods. From that posture, it was hard to see or focus on the doctor. This doctor quietly looked at my shoulder area and suddenly said "I am gonna have to cut it open now, let me numb it first". My gripe is that if you are going to use such sentences you might as well announce it with sudden music and a lot of sad orchestration. It is the unannounced nature of such sentences that make people drive up the wall. It is amazing how simple sentences can affect you and make you unbelievably alert. Sometimes my wife speaks 3-volume books full of words and that doesn't make me move an inch out of my sofa. This doctor says a small sentence and I want jump out of that bed and run for it. The state of heightened senses is amazing. I highly recommend everyone experience it.

So being the coward that I am, I shuddered. On instinct I found myself saying "Not the injection doctor. I am afraid of shots". If I had a lawyer with me he would have critiqued the poor choice of objection. It is the knife that should have been objected to. Not the injection. The injection exists because of the knife. Not the other way around. I fell right into the trap. The portly looking doctor pauses, looks at me says a "hmm". When a doctor hmmms, it confuses you. Maybe he hasn't seen a grown man who is afraid of injections. Maybe he has (who are we to have these delusions of uniqueness) and simply forgot how to respond. He quietly says as a matter of fact - "ok then ... lets do it without the shot".

The way he said it might have led an unknown passerby to believe that the doctor and I were discussing vegetable prices in Koyembedu. "Potato or Brinjal" the doctor appears to ask. I respond "no doctor! potato is vaayu. Lets go for Brinjal". For which the doctor says "brinjal... okay lets make brinjal-curry today". If the unknown passerby had left the premises after the doctor's response, he might've been permitted to assume that we were having a discussion on vegetables. Because what happened later was not for the weak-hearted. Mainly because I went from the well-documented "state of confusion" straight to "state of complete surrender". People cut open apples, canned food, water melon, gift boxes. People don't "cut open" other people, other people's shoulders. Quite frankly, it was hard to understand what he meant by "cut open". The doctor, maybe he read my mind, proceeded to take out a plastic bag and tear it open. Out popped a scalpel. So he meant that "cut it open". The "cut it open" with extreme pain written all over it.

At that moment I was Jack's complete lack of shame.

People have seen Rambo movies where the hero cuts himself open, plucks out a bullet from his body, pours alcohol, and stitches his body back like the way 2nd floor maami in Usman Road stitches 'ravikkais' for Rs 25/ravikkai. It looks easy on TV. In real life it has staggering impact on a person's peaceful disposition. I began pleading with the doctor to consider alternate means. I suggest tablets, ointment, rest, 4-days-leave, legiyam, kasaayam and many things that even the great droid Getafix might have not thought of. This doctor catches my flailing hands and says "look here! if you fight me, I'll fight you". It dawns on me that I have been pushing this man's hands away. Then I go straight to begging. My throat is dry and I can't believe the man who had such a pleasant conversation with me a few minutes ago is now threatening me with a knife. The world had turned upside-down in a few minutes. Without warning. Finally I push more words out of my mouth - "Give me 1 minute to mentally prepare myself - doctor". He appears to loosen his grip on me and says "okay, you have a minute".

I relax. And for some reason the numerous movies in which a Ponnambalam-type guy rapes Raasi-type woman flash through the mind. In 10 seconds, I am ambushed without warning. The doctor never planned to give me a full minute. The doctor presses my hand down, my wife holds my legs down and I feel a knife drive into me.

Pain.

29 comments:

Sarang said...

Dear Hawkeye,
Sorry to hear about the trouble. I hope you are doing better and taking rest. What may I ask, was the cause for the doctor to perform the procedure? In any case, 3 weeks rest should do you good.

Oh yes, I laughed all the way throgh the post till you got cut open. I am still debating whther I should feel bad about it or not!

Rest well.
Sarang-

whencatrawman said...

Hey dude,
Whats all this man ...hope u r feeling fine now ... gimme ur address, i want to send u a "get well soon" card ;)

Anyway, the post was thrilling. Till the last moments i was wondering what illness/disease/condition you were talking about. And good that u dint reveal it in the post !! The thrill factor prevailed.

Ram said...

Bharath, This is a shocker! I really hope that you are feeling better. One can't admire enough, the way you still update your blog amidst all that pain! Rest up man!

Sriram said...

3 weeks rest aa? Watch the following movies..

akku, ulliyin osai, vaazhthugal, Iyakkam, agra and ponmagal vandhaal.

Krishnan said...

Take care. Hope nothing serious. Wishing you speedy recovery.

maduraiveeran said...

Hey, sorry to hear that. Get well soon !

Extra-Ordinarily Ordinary said...

Hawkeye Thalaivare,

Hope you are doing good now - more mentally - after the exhaustive procedure. Get well soon!!

BTW, am a kindred soul in terms of this kind of experience. A month ago had to undergo a laproscopic biopsy procedure and to the say the least, I was unable to eat anything for 2 days post the procedure.

Sowmya said...

That is very well written post. Sorry to comment about the writing, than the content. Maybe you need the threat of pain to write this well.

Anyway, don't trouble the wife too much and get well soon.

gradwolf said...

what could be so wrong?? Get well soon, bharath

MLC said...

aiyayo!!! is this fr real??? if yes, 'get well soon' .. type adikardhu ozhunga pannamudiyardhu na, we're ok i guess;-)! take care!

anantha said...

Enna ba.. over a bowling pottu, rotator cuff pootukicha?

venkiraja said...

"enna viLayAttu ithu?enna viLayAttu ithu?"
-reminded of One of gounder's scenes!
LOL...get :lol: soon!

http://venkiraja.wordpress.com

anantha said...

short ball to the ribs? batting injury a? :O

Anonymous said...

anantha,

He said he kept seeing the ball until last minute without doing anything.

- S

Arun Sundar said...

So lightning did strike that day!! hilarious the way you described the episode. get well soon dude.

Anonymous said...

vonaku poi evlo sympathy uh?
mudla..

curdriceaurora said...

MRSA ellam konjam risk jaasthi intha naattula. take care. get well soon.

Anonymous said...

Get well soon! Dude!

-Vijay

Hawkeye said...

People,

thanks for your nice messages. This happened a few days ago and the blog is delayed blog-cast. I am doing well now.

anti & s - i suspect that the ball hitting me caused this. the doctor disagrees and says while being active in sports/gym increases vulnerability - i got it by fluke.

sundar said...

comedy out of misery!..:) trademark lightning striking.

N. K. Ravikumar said...

Hawkeye,

I went through the same thing. During my first visit the doctor scared us by saying it could be MRSA. I kept shitting bricks for a week. He kept monitoring me every other day to see if it was MRSA. Thankfully I didn't react to penicillin and it wasn't MRSA.

MRSA can be fatal. You have to be really watchful. I was happy when he said it wasn't MRSA. Even then, for the staph virus I went through hell of a painful process visiting the doctor thrice every week to clean the wound. Did they put a wick inside the wound and keep it open? Man that was really really really painful for me.

adelaide-gupshup said...

Hey machi wat happened daa, u have been email inactive lately...tried calling u but no response....just email me ur new mobile num....take care dude....hope u r doing good now...

adelaide-gupshup said...

BTW its Babs...dunno wats with displaying a google group...bug i suppose

Hawkeye said...

raviikumar,

shit. the exact same thing happened to me. the first time he said, " I think you should know that this could be life-threatening" . I was spent an interesting weekend until the next visit. It took a few days for him to confirm its not MRSA.

My parents were like "amerikka doctors always scare you". I thought the same too. Yea! the wick is bloody painful. For me its twice every week.

feddy said...

Get well soon. My prayers to the almighty!!!!

Anonymous said...

Hawkeye,
Hope you are doing better now.
About your post... 'Idukan vandhalum naguga'ngara rangela irundhadhu... Good spirit...
Take care
-Raj

Venkat said...

Hawkeye : Get well soon. Glad to hear it wasn't MSRA. I can imagine what you went through during the "test and wait to be announced" period.

- Venkat

maxdavinci said...

I'm just glad to hear that you are fine. But how did the doc even consider cutting you open without any local anesthesia?

Srini said...

I don't know if the anaesthesia heightened your senses of humor... but the post was a rip! Right from the title, it kept me chuckling...

Usman Road maamis stitching ravikkais!! Ponnambalam rapes Raasi! engendhu varudhu indha thought ellam appo?