Tuesday, December 09, 2008

The Great Yeskape

Human beings, I suspect, have not figured out sentient vs non-sentient beings correctly. All these years we have been regarding certain objects as non-living / inanimate objects that do not have a mind of their own. Nothing could be farther from the truth. Take for example objects like TV Remote and Cell Phone. They are constantly plotting to get away from us. They secretly hide behind the sofa cushions and discuss evil schemes to somehow escape their master. Consider this scene that is common in every household - It is a normal weekday evening, you take the TV remote, switch on the TV and sit down in front of it. You suddenly remember that TV would look much better with a cup of coffee. So you get up, make some coffee and come back to your seat and voila!

The remote is gone.

Sometimes all it needs is 1 minute and 40 seconds to make its getaway. You sit there in despair and shout "It was just here. How did it get away?". Needless to say by the time you organize a search party and locate the remote, the coffee has become very cold. Sometimes the TV remote plots its escape on a longer timeline. It does not escape until you go to sleep. It tries to gain your trust by befriending you and staying with you until you go to sleep. The moment you go to sleep it flees like the way Robin hood does after he has had a session of hot love making with Little John's little sister. You wake up in the morning and you see that the cupboard is bare and the remote has fled its coop.

Cell Phones are also very good in plotting against us. It has got more exposure than the TV remote. It has been around, it has travelled with us and so has talked to other people. There is no way a TV remote can run away while humans are driving the car or while they are at someone's place for dinner. TV Remotes never get that kind of opportunity. Several times human beings have kept their cell phone on the counter to sip a cup of water and then be surprised to find out that the phone has disappeared. You can never take your eyes of them phones. Cell phones have a disadvantage that remotes don't have. You can call these things and they have homing devices that forces them to reveal their locations. You can never call a remote control. But some mobile phones are clever, nay evil. They make sure that they aren't well charged and once they disappear they quickly get into low battery mode and become invisible. Sometimes they deliberately put themselves in vibrate mode and go under cover.

It is unclear as to exactly where these objects want to escape to. Their destination is often a well-kept secret. They seem to be biding their time before they finally make their move. Most of the times when you eventually find them, they are under the cushion of the couch with their faces covered. Two remotes and cell phone lie there, clinging onto themselves for their dear lives, crushed and squeezed between two cushions. The moment we locate them and say "ah! there you are" they seem to put on innocent faces and act as if they actually got lost. "No mister! we were just eating the crumbs that fell off your plate and we fell down" they say to us and show the dosai crumbs smeared on them as proof. Who would believe them? They are trying to get away. We know that. Like the other day, I found out that my cell phone had got away as far as my car and was hiding under the driver's seat ready to drive away to another place. We know that they want to get away. Humans have caught on to that secret. However, where they want to go - that still eludes us.

The cell phone clearly wants to take my car with it as it escapes. That much is clear. Because it took my car keys along with it. It took my wallet and driver's license too. Its planning on robbing me. That is for sure. What I am terribly concerned about is that it wants to alienate my wife from me and elope with her. An idea that, disconcertingly enough, she is not so averse to at the moment. For example - a few hours before I located my cell phone trying to get away with my car, I noticed that my car keys were missing. Car keys are dangerous slithery little creatures that man has ever known. They are mean and ruthless. Sometimes it stays in the car and locks itself in. So now you need car keys to get to the car keys. No other object can boast of this kind of recursion. It is some sort of a space-time warp within itself. I found out that my car keys were missing while searching for my wallet. That is when I uncovered this hideous plot where a bunch of remotes, cell phone and car keys were trying to rob me of my wealth and family. Sure enough my wallet was gone too. Where do I find it ? Under the driver's seat. Next to the cell phone.

What irks me about these creatures is that they make me look like a fool in front of my wife. Sometimes they cling on to me as if I am some sort of a escape vehicle and they drop themselves into the fridge, bathroom shelf, cupboard etc like the way these soldiers parachute out from an airplane into enemy territory. They use me to plan their escape routes. Would you believe it if I said my remote-control used me to get as far as the bathroom. They were near the wash basin running towards the commode when we caught them. My car key is especially evil this way. Once, I found my car keys inside my dishwasher. It is that cunning. Over time, their idea has been to humiliate me so much that my wife would lose her respect for me and begin to admire them for taunting me so much. Men have extra-ordinary search stamina when it comes to searching for car keys/phones/remotes. They search for a whole milli-second before alerting the search party. Since this relates to life, death and science - we yell "Houston! we have a problem".

After much persuasion this so called search party arrives at the scene of the crime. The search party, naturally the woman of the household, does not respect our tantrums. We know this is a big thing. We know that these things are trying to do away with our wealth. But the search party is not privy to this. So they look derisively at the man and say "So you've managed to lose it again". Something strange happens when the search party begin their operations. These objects - the villains that they are - quickly surrender themselves to the search party. They run out of their hiding places so quickly that it seems as if they were right under your noses - (or) under your laptop, under your unwashed tiffin plate, under your socks (which somehow has crawled all by itself on to the center table to aid these creatures) - all the time. The search party would then give the man that look. A look that would send the car keys into delirious raptures of joy. A look that would ultimately drive the cell phones to destroy mankind as we know it and set up its own world where humans try to escape them instead of the other way around.

18 comments:

Anonymous said...

fantastic one of your best.

Babs said...

LOL...ha ha ha..
Gud one maams....
sounds bloody so much like you...remember how you loose one of your shoes in hostel and search the entire place and throw tantrum @ me...he he he
may be they had intelligent accomplice during their escapes

buddy said...

haha...absolutely funny!
my spectacles are part of the conspiracy too!

myheadtrip said...

Oh yes!! Where do these things go?! Good post. I should add my pen drive to the list!

MLC said...

LOL! than porul-a ozhunga paathukaama "adhu dhaan thaana tholanjipochi" nu oru theory-a yezhudhi, prove panradhukku, u've got to b a guy!!

Raghu said...

Good post to read & laugh but it doesn't happen to what I call 'men of habit'. Either by karmic design or choice, I happen to be one and the organized methods irks the crap out my beloved. Often complaints our house is like a museum - "vechhadhu vechha edathiliye irukkum" types !!

Am sure the women folks arnd u go "naai vaalai kooda nimithidalaam, aana..." :) !!

I said...

enga aathulayum maami dhan elathayum eduthu koduppa.

Anonymous said...

Good post! Refreshing too... Just the other day my cell phone travelled around 10-15 miles away from my home and was enjoying at the beach all night... Some lady got hold of it and called someone who called me.... :)..
Nasty things these...

Sarang-

Alan Smithee said...

graph ngo!!

D.N.A. said...

Reminded me of the "Sock planning to escape from the drier" routine by you know who.

inbavalli said...

Please extend the list to include my idukki :(

Gradwolf said...

lol..avolo anubhavam illa!!

Gradwolf said...

bharath, did you watch A Wednesday? It's a indhi padam but you should watch it. Especially now after the bombay attacks and your posts on bombay. There is a good link.

sreekrishnanv said...

good one - well conceived. I wrote just one similar to this - you know comparing remote and a relationship with girl - couldnt quite complete it ... and felt lazy to start - but i think i will try again right now ...

May be inspired !! Lightning stuck me today :)

Anonymous said...

fantastic one!! I would put keys on the top of my list. They manage to hide till I break the locks or get a spare done. It is so galling to find them after one of the above options is executed... Hilarious one

GV

Anonymous said...

Ranks among your best.Very well written. Our TV remote actually bet the boundries as it travelled all the way to my uncle's place. We returned home to find the TV still performing for our furniture!
The velakennay kudicha look on my face failed to save me from all free advice on varied topics like tension party, tv paithyam, u need to be focussed, loosu payan, paavam maradhi jaasthi agiduthu!

Now i know its not my fault..the remote wanted to escaaaaaape and I actually captured it en route!

Aravamudan

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M A Ravinder said...

Brilliant! Love it!