Monday, April 06, 2009

Desi Mating Patterns

I love those National Geographic shows, where they show bears and ants coming out of hibernation. The ant hill looks sad and desolate during winter. Suddenly, summer arrives and there is extraordinary activity with all kinds of ants moving up and down the hill, doing a variety of tasks. The dawn of spring in North America signals the end of hibernation of desi homosapiens. The activities that they do after jumping out hibernation gives us a hint of what they were doing while in hibernation.

The first creature that swims out of the desi apartment ant holes are the visting-from-India parents. Dressed in full-hand blue formal shirt, brown formal pants and white sneakers (those big Power sports shoes) the desi father is an intimidating figure. Nice shirt and pant. But by god! those sneakers does make it a killer combination. Add to it the monkey cap and a sweater - they now look like a cross between Saambasiva Bhagavathar and Frankie goes to Hollywood. The desi mother is a frail bespectacled creature with a saree and white sneakers. The more advanced ones have an ill-fitting salwar that is so tight near the feet that the white sneakers begin to look like claws. They too have a monkey cap and a sweater. The whole sneaker thing and its relationship to the desi father is considered a special subject in many universities. Specialists claim that the desi father must secretly worship a Ramarajan cult, which requires them to use sneakers in conjunction with those pants. Amazingly enough their kids don't talk to them about that. The kids simply open the cages and the parents go out, graze for the day and came back home at dusk.

And they walk furiously.

Imagine this. You get on a sidewalk and you see a gang of Indian parents armed with monkey caps, sweaters and sneakers charging at you - what do you do? It must have been quite a fright for the unaccustomed. Once they catch you then you will be attacked with questions like "I am from Udumalaipet near Coimbatore, do you know Guru Subramaniam from Madras? btw what is your salary? Green Carda?". I have been asked questions by puzzled natives such as "do all Indian people walk so much? Is it a custom? Is it part of religion?". I watch TV for long hours and don't walk. I do not know why the parents walk so much. Come April and you can see herds of parents purposefully walking in circles. Its like their thing. Thats what they do. Indian dads also have this amazing ability to ogle at American women. America, is what I call, a full-breasted country. The country is filled to the brim with breasts. Left, right, on the sidewalk, in the mall, Starbucks, grocery shop - you have breasts, breasts, breasts, breasts and more breasts. Sometimes it feels as if people have to tip-toe and walk sideways between breasts on their way to a movie theater. All dads notice these breasts. The breasts are there - the dads cannot miss them. But visiting Indian dads make it look cool. My favorite past time is to notice an elderly Indian gentleman in a mall. The slithering quick look he gives south of women's face is so quick that you feel like sitting down and taking notes.

A common sight on a sunny weekend day, in touristy spots, is the visiting Indian parents accompanied by a pregnant woman (who is naturally their daughter/DIL) and her husband with a camera. When the sun is out and these ants start coming out, you suddenly notice that the females among the desi species are pregnant. This was so not the case when they went into their winter hibernation. Have you noticed that most Indian women deliver kids between March 1 - to - Sep 30? Its like they took a compass, kept the sharp tip on the sun and used a pencil at the other end to darken one half of the earth's orbit. They looked at the darkened half and said "the highlighted part is when I will have kids". The highlighted part of the earth's orbit is what the rest call summer. That's the season when the parents can come from India and do the Douala stuff without being inconvenienced by winter. So this brings to focus - and this is important - the part of earth's orbit that is not highlighted.

This is when the action happens.

One can easily conclude that a lot of action happens in the desi bedroom after Oct1st. The Indian household really gets 'jiggy with it'. That crucial period is like the Vulcan mating season that occurs once every so many years. If it can make Spock act funny, imagine what it would do a bunch of horny Indians. One can be certain on the time frame when the Indians would be the most distracted. Now you may point out a few desi couples who delivered out-of-cycle. Those few couples are the rebels. The kind who postpone having a baby for N years after marriage. However, what these few rebels fail to realize is that they were born to a much smarter breed of people. Once the elders from India grow tired of dropping the "poozhu, poochi and visesham" related hints - the parents of the boy and parents of the girl huddle up and hatch a plan. They form a task force type army and one set of parents are given two chariots to lead this army to battlefield America. That chosen set of parents come charging like knights in white horses to Amerikka, invade their kids house, and light a fire to perform a yagna. The burn the contraceptives into the yagna and lock their children in rooms for indefinite period of time until the horny desi guy has no choice but to multiply. This, ladies and gentlemen, is the modern day putra kameshti yaaga.

103 comments:

I said...

You beat me to it! Pinni pedal edukara po.

Sands said...

had to delurk for this one. priceless. Thanks for the good laugh :)

MLC said...

LOL! it'll b intrstng to see if hawkie is a rebel or nt! lets wait & watch;-)

Extra-Ordinarily Ordinary said...

Hawekeye,

You had me and my room-mate in such splits that we ended up rolling on the floor - literally. Man you rock!!!
BTW, lazygeek mele enna gaandu?

Extra-Ordinarily Ordinary said...

sorry for the typo... sirichu sirichu kannu seriya theriyama pochu...

Anonymous said...

congratulations

Anonymous said...

congrats.

Arun Sundar said...

Neenga green card'a?

Lone Crusader said...

yabba...sema comedy...

Gradwolf said...

rofl B, brilliant that was! room potu yosipengalo? Rebel couples madri rebel desi father and mother illaya? Those that don't fit the Ramarajan dress sense and winter hibernation? I don't think they exist!

Fly, You Fools Comics said...

Yes.. yes.. Now I understand the white sneaker myth.

The whole description would sound great in National Geographicesque Hindi - Nar Desi and Mada Desi etc.

Mukundh said...

Enna Hawkeye, suyasarithai ezhudirukka maari theriyardhu!

Guru Subramaniam said...

That must be uncle vaidyanathan from udumalaipet. Do you know where he is now?

Anonymous said...

ROFL!!


-Suvarna

anantha said...

Seri. Naan onnum sollala idhukku.

chokkathangam said...

"My favorite past time is to notice an elderly Indian gentleman in a mall. The slithering quick look he gives south of women's face is so quick that you feel like sitting down and taking notes."

idhellam how u noticed unless u do it urself? is the pot calling the kettle black? :)

Aswin Anand said...

Ultimate post after a long time .. that was once upon a time typical of Hawkeye. Nice one mate!

Alan Smithee said...

Somebody should shoot those Freakonomics guys.

Deepa said...

Hi fellow tamilian,
Well, some of the things you have mentioned in the blog do happen..but you have made it look very bad...being an indian yourself its so disappointing that you have made the whole thing look crass..
there are ways to make things looks funny but please realise that there is a thin line between funny and demeaning yourself..

Deepa

Mambalam Mani said...

we are all hypocrites

Hawkeye said...

Guru,

/* I am from Udumalaipet near Coimbatore, do you know Guru Subramaniam from Madras? */

this is what the mama asked in Snoqualmie falls. at that time i didnt connect it with you until LKS pointed it out.

quite a coincidence.

S said...

Chokkathangam,

you should at least read the sentences that you quote.

Idling in Top Gear said...

Misread "poozhu, poochi.." and was really really concerned that parents were getting extremely vulgar!

Perhaps a spelling change to "puzhu" may be considered!

sundar said...

sounds like a 'vent-out-frustation' Steve segment of a coupling episode. :)

Anonymous said...

:-) Ha haa.. you had us man!! you seem to have gone thru it :-p

chokkathangam said...

@S: if you mean to suggest that i do it myself, yes i do.

Kanchan said...

This was sooo funny...am still laughing...

Anonymous said...

that was not funny..u kind of crossed the line...

Anonymous said...

indian men are generally horny. only reason i can think of why the folks come over is to hide the contraceptives before locking the door.

Anonymous said...

Machi,

I imagined Russel Peters enacting this script for a stand up comedy...

Fall down funny.. and believe it or not.. I agree abt the breast part 100%

Cheers
Ganesh

mokka musketeer said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
litterateuse said...

//My favorite past time is to notice an elderly Indian gentleman in a mall. The slithering quick look he gives south of women's face is so quick that you feel like sitting down and taking notes.//

ROFL. And no doubt you must look too, to verify that's just where he looked :P

Hilarious!

gauri

Anonymous said...

Google "Ramesh Mahadevan" and read his posts from circa early 90's. Idhu ellam old news pa.

Anonymous said...

congrats!
-s

Archana said...

totally agreeing with Deepa here! But then knowing you and your recent zeal to write crap/sarcastic/demeaning posts on everything and everyone, I am not surprised that you came up yet another stupid post, which had only your friends in "ROFL", and "in splits"!
And as for the fast walking, well well well! I hope you have all the health problems these "Indian" parents face - it would be fun watching you laugh at yourself!
But i forget, you ain't indian anymore, are ya?
Staring at breasts.. done by everyone in any country! You are making fun of your elders for christ's sake!
How low can you go really?

revathi said...

Totally disagree with the ogling old dad story. A lot of indian "appas" for fear of ogling keep their eyes planted firmly on mother earth reminding of the song "kaal paarthu nadandu vara.." or may be they do this only when their daughters/DILs are around. You are right about the sneakers though- a really terrible combination is a sneaker with madisar! I really felt sorry for the wearer.

fem said...

Are you sure your old man observes only the boobs and not the ass as well?

Anonymous said...

Ogling dads are typical, but that holds good even for first-gen Indian men of a certain age who've had their eyeful of boobs for a good 30-40 years. Wonder why they don't ever get fed up? A dissertation topic lurks somewhere there, my friend.

But the parents are united in one thing: they stare. At Indian-looking men and women who are dressed smartly, and who look like they have sex; at couples making out, at legs sticking out etc. Maybe it's a disapproving stare, "There go people who look like they could do with some condom-burning".

nevermind

Anonymous said...

Some people are real sensitive eh? as if u tipped of the wrong nerve.

The likes of archana, fem etc... for god's sake just enjoy the post... jeez....

- Ganesh

Anonymous said...

You have to write more posts like this just for the sake of irritating people like Deepa and Archana. There is no higher pleasure than that.

fem said...

Ganesh,

Don't be a jalra here!

Anonymous said...

In college we specialised in ottings hyper sensitive girls like Archana & Fems. The problem with them is they don't wanna accept that their dads are men too. After two kids they won't let their husbands be men eitheer.

engayavathu kovilla poi koozh oothungadi. blog ellam edhukku ?

D.N.A. said...

You've managed to offend "Desi mera mahan" & feminstas in a single post. You missed our hindi speakers. That would have made it the perfect trifecta.

The shopping dynamics at a grocery shop between 2 desi ladies will tell you if they are mother/daughter or MIL/DIL.

Renu said...

I admire your guts. You really have a way of stirring up stuff thats on your face.

Visiting your blog for 2 months now. I am addicted. And this post had me laughing so loudly that my stomach hurt. Had a baby last May. Parents were here with sneakers.

Others, lighten up!

Anonymous said...

YOU SUCKS WITH YOUR BIG ASS POST

sarav said...

Hi, When I read this post the usual chukkle when reading your typical post is not coming out. Like Deepa, Archana and other few pointed out, I feel the same. This post crossed the line.

May be you understand when you become old and visit your daughter/son.

Keep writing good stuff and I don't want you to waste time in posts like this.

--sarvanan

Anonymous said...

well i know this is post was written with an intention to sound humorous and all stereotypes irrespective of community are generally a subject for humour.However thought this was amusing , on a slightly more serious note my question for you is .What do you expect parents to do here , they do not have their friends or social circle.They are mostly dependent on children for transport.So the only way they can remain sane is by walking outside.Excercise is good for the body.I would be personally happy if my folks walked a lot.and you need sneakers to walk unless you suggest people walk in stilletoes.Of course i agree with you that some indian parents are very crude and ask personal questions.Why parents i have people my age suddenly asking me that .ah well..looking at the amount of responses your this post has garnered..you seemed to written " love it , hate it but you cannot ignore it " sort of post


Gayathri

Anonymous said...

DUDE,

Did your parents ever come here? then what did your dad do ogle at other american girls...

you degraded ur blog by this post...

Rajesh

Anonymous said...

hawkeye,

how did you go too far?

Hawkeye said...

anon,

i dunno. i was busy going too far. plus writing "breasts" 5 times sort of distracted me.

Apoorva said...

Firstly, ROFL post. really really funny.

Secondly, the comment section. I can't believe the number of idiots who have taken offense here. As if looking at breasts is a sin. Everybody does it but if someone points it out humorously they get all hypocritical. People like Fem, Arachana and Rajesh are taking offense because this post makes fun of idiots like them. Must have touched a raw nerve.

Like Mambalam Mani said everybody is a hypocrite here.

Anonymous said...

Apoorva,

if you have brain in ur head, u wuldn;t have wote a comemnt like that..
it would have funny if he would have ridiculed the fresh desi guys coming to US , that would have been a funny post...

BUT THE PARENTS IS WHAT I THINK CROSSED THE LINE..THEY COME HERE TO HELP YOU OUT AND ON TOP OF THIS THEY HAVE TO SUFFER THE LONELINESS AND ALL THAT CRAP AND HERE HE IS...MAKING FUN OUT OF THAT..

Rajesh..

Anonymous said...

rajesh,

Oooooo mother sentiment and father sentiment. enna paasam! enna paasam!. Send your dad to a strip club. That will solve the lonliness problem.

Alan Smithee said...

Where are you getting the links from? DesiPundit? In which case this comment space needs to be preserved for posterity - a good approximation of the desipundit readership. It is one of the biggest travesties of web2.0 that that site exists.

Anonymous said...

You've written many sarcastic/laugh-out-loud posts,but this one is a little uncomfortable to read. The facts are true, but the parents have made the best of a bad situation for them - they are practical. You'll understand when they come over and u r the guy with the camera/preg wife - leading parents around.
I had my kid in oct. I should follow the regular desi cycle, i guess and have the next one in spring. I never realised its great for the parents to come here in the summer ,instead of winter when they'll be cooped up. At least in the summer, they can go walk off their cholesterol, diabeties, loneliness with their bright white sneakers.

Anonymous said...

Anon,

send your mom to strip club..that would be more apt...

Rajesh

Mambalam Mani said...

Awesome. Now your comments section looks like the replies to a rediff column. Only thing missing is to a fight between northies and southies and i hope to see it soon :D

Anonymous said...

fem, the Idiot

you need comprehension and reading lessons. Here are my two posts and where is the jalra?

//I imagined Russel Peters enacting this script for a stand up comedy...

Fall down funny.. and believe it or not.. I agree abt the breast part 100%//

//Some people are real sensitive eh? as if u tipped of the wrong nerve.

The likes of archana, fem etc... for god's sake just enjoy the post... jeez....//

folks who got sensitive need to take a chill pill...They missed the point of the entire post.. pavam

- Ganesh

The Talkative Man said...

heh! It's just another aspect of our culture that it's okay to take potshots at teachers, policemen, milkmen, bank aapicers, ok to give demeaning epithets based on skincolor, bodystructure, hairstyle but somehow when those terms extend to our blood-relatives, we get pissed to the high heavens :) Is there anyone who graduated from TN without a dept prof named Sottaiyan/Karuppan/Mandaiyan/Thoppaiyan?

Not saying that the females who posted here used such epithets, it's just that such satire beyond a level is surprisingly considered very acceptable in our culture :)

Better half insisted on going to India for her delivery just so none of our parents waddle in sneakers around parks/sidewalks...am enlightened now!!!! Effect of seeing the Chyavanprash-importing aunty dressed like Santa Claus..

Will just add that one of the same out-of-place-in-US aunties used to giga-bore my mum in India for endless weeks with unsolicited poetry on how many variety of cereals she found on Walmart's aisles and 2 yr old grandson's 156 gadgets, that too after giving a missed call!

It's upto the couple to decide what they want to subject their parents to.

Anaalum unakke indha post romba over-ra thereela haakai? ;)

Anonymous said...

//You are making fun of your elders for christ's sake!
How low can you go really?//

Archana, For christ's sake u please grow up...

- Ganesh

Anonymous said...

B,

I want your blanket reponse to all the "haters" and the "rest"...pls do so to prevent more blood shed..

;-) ;-)

- Ganesh

Venkatesh said...

I can't believe this comment section. So many immature comments to a hilarious post. Where did people's sense of humor go? Thank god Ramesh Madhavan did not write in today's stupid world.

Vijay said...

Hilarious Blog!!! Keep rocking !!

Babs said...

Comedians do NOT have a line, and hence they can not cross it....

Hawkie when he wears his comedian hat that's what u can expect...

If you choose to read his blog in such mode make sure to de-sensitize urself....its all in the name of fun...like u never analyze a joke, u never take a comedian serious.....

These comments makes sense if the blog makes a serious point, it doesn't....if u still think it does then u have misunderstood his illogical conclusion on the pattern :-)

Archana said...

Feminism: I don't know how feminism (anti or pro) is involved in your post/my comment. Just because I am a women makes my comments feministic?
Patriotism: Nope, It was not a dig at your patriotism. Making ogling an "Indian parents" only feature is wrong though.
Growing up: Ganesh, does growing up mean making fun of yours and others parents? You must be one sad person if that is the case.
Hypersensitive: I’d rather be that than be callous. To each his own.

Pradeep Kumar said...

Appadaa.. Eppavume un comments section konjam bore adikkum.. indha vaati gujals thaan..

Could not relate much with the post though except for the sneakers part.. ;)

Narayanan Hariharan said...

AWESOME! I was laughing my ass off as I read this post! WOW! You do notice quite a lot!!

WA said...

Hmmmm indha postukku ivlavu edhirppaa? Go on Hawk, write something real controversial please

Haiku Poems said...

Gr8 blog.All of those r nice comments.
Invitation letter

Anonymous said...

Archana: seri moodittu po.

i think people are giving way too much importance to this idiot.

Anonymous said...

Who is Saambasiva Bhagavathar?

Anonymous said...

Archana,

This blogger is unlike rest, he's suffering from narcissistic disorder. So, no point in giving your two cents.

Anonymous said...

Archana,

u are rite...

He doesn;t deserve ur good thoughts..

some of teh comments how say are hilarious are his jalra's...lot of anon's are probably hawkeye himself...poor him

Deepa

neha vish said...

Did someone say Christ's sake? Actually for Christ's sake - all parents must be made fun of. His mom was a virgin after all.

What could possibly be funnier?
(Okay, his dad was God)

Valli Doll said...

Glad to see ur humor back! I do agree abt the questions and the sneakers totally!

There are quite a lot of things, the parents can do here, apart from walking...of course an hour's walk does seem to keep them happy and its a fad among them to say that they go for a "walk" :P

Valli Doll said...

One more thing....if ppl can say Slumdog is great and celebrate it, this post is far better!

WA said...

Man I think its time I got back to blogging, I so miss comments like these. Hawkeye for Christsake bring on some real controversy will you

Sambasiva Bhagavathar said...

I am Archana's father and I stare at breasts. The sneakers help me walk fast and cover as many breasts as possible. I hope to see all breasts in America

Alan Smithee said...

How long before parents want their kids to settle in Australia?

http://www.news.com.au/story/0,27574,25290859-36398,00.html

Anonymous said...

very funny alan...

LMAO

Anonymous said...

anon in disguise (Sambasiva Bhagavathar),

I hope you enjoy your voyeurism, because you certainly don't deserve any real live sex...

Brahman said...

fish market oda mosama irukku intha comment section..

enda ambi appadi enna than ezhuthi kizhichita...

Anonymous said...

stupid post...

Anonymous said...

@alan smithee...wat an apt link..LOL!

ashok

Hawkeye said...

A few observations if I may.

1. Thanks to all of you who commented. I finally managed to read all the comments.

2. Given the small proprtion of people who got "offended" and the attention they got - it does mildly prove the theory that the squeaky wheel is greased more. This theory might help us @ work.

3. There was a comment that started with "hi fellow thamizhan". Such a comment got (a) replies (b) expression of support. I dont think such vile things happen even in rediff today.

4. Archana believes the following

a) all visiting parents who walk suffer from a horrible disease
b)her dad does not look at breasts, and whats even worse
c) her dad should not look at breasts.
d) she might also be claiming that if you are any visiting parent from India you should not be looking at breasts. Taliban zindabad.

One should carve out these theories in stone.

4. Another beautiful theory occured as I was reading comments. I know know why visiting Indian dads are much better at stealth-seeing-breasts than anybody in any other country or generation. Items 3-a, 3-b, 3-c meantioned above are reasons why. If you were archana's father and if your hypersensitive daughter strongly believed in 3-a, 3-b, & 3-c imagine your plight. The breasts are there. You cannot not see them. The only way you can see them without having your daughter give you a 4 hour moral lecture is to develop your stealth-breast-watching skills to an extremely high level of competence.

which is exactly the skill the post worships. Hence the proof.

savitha said...

This is awesome....too good....whata comeback...whaaatacomeback....saaar i need jerox kaapi of ur feet to hang in my house and pray to everyday

B o o said...

Awesome post, Hawkeye. I have never laughed harder. Actually I did. When I read the anon who commented as Sambasiva Bhagavathar. Such talent cannot go waste as anon! :D Dinners on me if you ever visit my city.

yaadayaada said...

Ditto of what Boo said! Boo and I were rolling in the floor laughing! And yes, the Sambhasiva Bhagavathar comment had me in splits!

Anonymous said...

Hawkeye,
I thought India has lot more of these than US, as Gurinder chadda says here it is only mosquito bites in US. And why would you take time off from your merry sight to look at ramarajan's at 70?Pretty disappointing.

Though your parents having an Yagna is an extreme step, nevertheless congrats. please dont tell me this will turn into a daddy blog? Take an oath and assure us that is not so.

Karthick Prabu said...

LOL * LOL.

'most of the babbies are born bet mar - sep' -> :) :) Enna oru analysis, weitu!!

The correlation between the human couples and the ant-bear thingy is too good.

Maddy said...

Nice post.
White Sneakers - Like Father,Like Son.
But,could have dealt the second part "sensitive part" (!!??)more discreetly.
It is the author's personal opinion. so,the naysayers need not get "preachy" while the anonymous need not abuse them..

How i miss Ramesh Mahadevan..

Anonymous said...

What no commenter has commented on is your attempting to imitate Ramesh Mahadevan.
There is of course only one Ramesh Mahadevan...

Breast staring -- paavam manushan at least at this age let him enjoy. np

Sambu Mama said...

chapathi chapathi dhaan..rotti rotti dhaan.

ramesh ramesh dhaan...haakai haakai dhaan

Shankar said...

Ok, the post was funny.
Where did Archana say don't look at breasts. She said "indian-only" something. She is also wrong coz its just ur funny take on older indian men.
But I can't understand ur reply. Well, anger can cloud perception. U mustve done badly in comprehension. :-p

Hawkeye said...

shankar,

yes. yes. anger can cloud perception.

All dads notice these breasts. The breasts are there - the dads cannot miss them. But visiting Indian dads make it look cool

Anonymous said...

This is a very late observation(the white sneakers thing)or rather something that has been made fun of zillions of times earlier, but unfortunately most of your readers seem to think its a very original "Hawkeye" observation put in words.. It was like listening to a Anu Malik rip-off....

Anonymous said...

Thalaiva super. Sirikama irukka mudiyathu..

Casement said...

This is really your best!:)) Full form la irukka. Enjoyed thoroughly.

genosign said...

My brother sent me this post, and a comment saying, read the comment section :) Man...the desi community can sometimes be such a hypersensitive and melodramatic bunch!!!

@lankr1ta said...

Oh my goodness

Pseudwatcher said...

What a pseudo!! So you have become 'white' enough now to make fun of Indians? I guess your parents are oh so cool and perhaps they are called Mr and Mrs Livingston! Man you make me sick with your condescending attitude. Hope you remember your FOB days. Bloody wannabe!

Anonymous said...

This was by far one of the most entertaining blogs I have read today. The one thing you forgot to add is the feigned indifference of the well sneakered Dad while shopping in grocery stores'as he surreptitiously looks at the prices of vegetables, does the math, and then tells 'mami' sotto voce; that its cheaper here than in Mylapore !

Anonymous said...

Post shows a lot of ignorance and arrogance.

However, I can think of a few more reasons why babies are planned for the summer.
1. Winter babies are born with a Vitamin D deficiency. Summer babies are not.
2. This is mostly practised in India because the academic year starts in June and parents want to put the kid in school when he/she is exactly 3 years old.