Tuesday, June 23, 2009

My Boys Can Swim

Pregnancy is 3rd most common symptom of indian marriages. Right after 'thalai deepavali dowry' and 'porn free computers'. Inspite of that there is no clearly defined rule on who can have a baby. Let me tell you this: if there existed a baby world unto itself and if the inhabitant babies ever had an unanimous opinion on who the villain of that world was - that M.N.Nambiar would undoubtedly be me. Bachelors feel smug and superior when they see parents manage crying babies. Especially those who manage crying children on airplanes. Nobody wants to sit next to them. I constantly gave them dirty looks. They were species who had to pack 700 thousand things if they had to leave the house. They couldn't just take their keys and walk out. Every time they left the house, even if it was to see a neighbor down the block, these parents had to carry 6 different bags with them.

As a college going teenager I formed anti-children societies, where we held "dharna-porattams" against children who (a) made lot of noise, (b) cried too much and (c) broke stuff that belonged to others. In the US, desi children are glued to the parents - almost inseparable. Unlike India, parents can't leave these children @ home and go to (a) a movie, (b) a party or (c) to a friend's house. So now you have noisy movie halls and public gatherings with wailing children. I squarely blamed parents when they didn't shut their child's mouth if the noise it made drowned cricket commentary (or) if the parents were oblivious to the fact that their child was trying to tear off my MJ poster. They wouldn't shut the child down but instead hold a conversation with them that went like "no! Akyutesh! please don't do that". You are thinking to yourself "what akyutesh needs is a sound slap". The thing these parents don't get is: Akyutesh is not interested in the conversation. He probably does not understand what the parents are saying anyway.

At one point children could instantly sense my hostility just by being around me. A rumbling tumbling happy baby would stop doing all its gurgling noise in my presence, stare at me for a while and quickly start wailing. They too - like many would-be parents - go through pre-birth trainings with other expectant foetus(es(es)). There they have been trained to sense anti-babyists like me. Given all this - anti-babyists still produce children. For no reason at all. I don't know what brainwashing people go through to move from being a anti-babyist to a procreator. It is like you make fun of old people but go on to become old yourself. Here are a few top N reasons to have a baby that I made up

1. Maybe people want to play god and so stop mid-marriage and say, "you know what? Let us create more human beings."

2.
Maybe it is naricissm turned sideways "I need to show love to someone. I have this compelling urge to be selfless. It will look odd if I make cho-chweet remarks to myself and praise myself to the sky. So lets create another human being just like me and love/praise the heck out of him."

3.
Maybe its plain selfishness "who will take care of me when I am 90 and senile? Besides, we don't like the people we meet. We really need to be making our own kind of people."

4. Maybe its like getting promoted from 8th standard to 9th standard. You go from bachelor to married and then to fatherhood as a matter of fact.

5. Maybe they want to show off that they are having sex.

Some married couples pretend as if they are considering several hundred options and one teeny-weeny option among that is to have a baby - somewhere down in the future. "I am thinking of whether or not to have a baby" - they say. And they kid us. Statistics tell us that they are going to have a baby at some point in time. However, it is considered good social status if you pretend to ignore it. Some even peethify - "having babies is not my lifestyle ..man". And you are thinking "mudraa vennai" because such peela masters have a baby earlier than others. On the other end of the spectrum some couple do a thing - which my periappa calls - "hit a century before lunch". Those who do that are the butt of all jokes. They are really in soup with their friends. You could have retarded, dumb, comatose friends who cannot add 2 and 3 without a calculator but they still would be capable of doing lightning speed calculation to find out if you had a baby before your first wedding anniversary. Regardless of where people are in the spectrum, somewhere down the line married people have a pause in the conversation and just to break the silence one or the other says

He: "you know what.. we should be a couple with a baby".
She: "you mean ...parents!".
He: "no .. no..no _couples_ the kind who travel a lot and still have fun but also have a 3rd person in the house"
She: "you mean parents.. who travel to grocery stores and pediatric clinics"
He: "no..no no.. that is not it..."

So two people decide to manufacture babies just the way Toyota manufactures cars or the way Intel manufactures micro chips. The good thing going on in human being's favor is that you don't have to write up a project plan, secure funding, commit resources and work for 30 months to manufacture other human beings. Imagine this - if nature's requirement to have a baby was that a man and a woman had to put their hands into a bunch of earth worms, take goo out and put the goo between two metal rods and beat the rod to pulp for 6 months. If that is how we reproduced, humans would have become extinct long ago. The way it is currently arranged - having a baby is very easy for the woman. The woman gets to do the fun part of puking for 9 months, mutating for 9 hours and running behind the younglings for another 20 years. It is, however, slightly difficult for the man. The man has to have sex, which is a terrible thing. Because men hate sex. Its the last thing they want to do. They spend all their teenage years trying to avoid sex. The only reason they agree to have sex for the purposes of procreating is - as my grandma says "edho aanju rendukku pazhuthu illai" - because it is at least better than pulling goo out of earthworms.

36 comments:

Anonymous said...

deivame... only you possible.

Lone Crusader said...

hakkai...ippadi ellam yosikka unakku yaarupa solli kudukaradhu?

silentReader said...

pure genius

Gradwolf said...

Not qualified to commment.

But I would like to know what MJ stands for. Need to judge you on that :p

Amrutha said...

kalile vizhundhu kumbidamnum...Heil Hawkeye! :-P

maxdavinci said...

ah c'mon I'sure you had backstreet baiys posters as well!

last para was a riot!

i'm assuming we'd get to see more baby posts....

Valli Doll said...

The post was worth the wait :-) Ungalaala daan mudiyum inda maadiri oru post!

Same question as Gradwolf, what does MJ stand for?

vishal12 said...

Hilarious!

I don't quite share your dislike (or should I say despise) for babies, but I do agree that being baby-free is a wonderful thing. A true celebration of free will. A slap on the face of genetic predilection.

I had a small post on my blog just few days ago where I quoted Stephen Pinker.

http://vishal12.wordpress.com/2009/06/22/being-childfree/

P.S. Does MJ stand for Michael Jackson? That would explain why children keep trying to peel of that poster! ;-)

Arunk said...

Children in US are soon forced to "unglue" from their parents and then be "glued to the TV". Of course that can be a problem for you (and the dads) - if you want to watch NFL and they want to watch cartoons.

lol at choice of name akyutesh :) ! Now, if that is presumed to be from a South Indian mom, then that is a quintessential "modern day" US desi family ;-)

Arun

Dilip Muralidaran said...

theyvame!

Anonymous said...

Missing in the analysis is the case of couples who have babies less than 9 months after marriage. Lots of people can suddenly do THAT math!

Anonymous said...

Amazing post!
Why would some1 name their kid akyutesh!?... its so difficult to pronounce...

--Saranya

D.N.A. said...

Century before lunch! Sokka sonna ba!

Anonymous said...

Am i the only one who felt that this was more of a "kuppara vizhunthalam mesaila mann otala" story?

Title was superb... but the rest... its ok HKE, if you just do talk the talk and not walk the walk, we wont judge you. Every one does it.

-Sachita
PS: I love babies(even the ones named akyutesh) and do understand the if others dont. But I dont think I understand when people switch sides, when that happens, the only thing to do, is put your hands up and say i joined the rest.

MLC said...

finally its official! LOL @ the post ... hiranmayeem lakshmi yeppadi irukaa?:-) .. short-a 'heera' va?

TTM said...

It gets my goat when, apart from breeding pests like Akyutesh, the fellas insist that everyone in their informal circle call him by some pet name Akki/Sokki. I'd stamp my desultory indifference by only referring to the kid as "your boy".

Maddy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Maddy said...

MJ Poster (Jacko / Jordan)? I thought they stopped printing it in early 90s!!

Akyutesh said...

haakai unkal, un pechu kaa!

Anonymous said...

I am not sure why you even wrote this blog post.. just to rant?

Sandip said...

Brilliant. Literally kept nodding and laughing my ass off alternatively.

AGK's mom said...

Your posts are getting too icky for me. Your creativity needs a new leash .. read more self help books or something.

AGK's mom said...

Your posts are getting too icky for me. Your creativity needs a new leash .. read more self help books or something.

Anonymous said...

When it comes to Hawkeye.... MJ is Michael Jackson undoubtedly. In college our man Hawkeye was so fanatic about MJ. Always worshipped him and would beat up people who said anything bad about MJ. LOL

Karthik Kannan said...

Bravo! Bravo!

I see that you are back to your irreverent best. I hope you offended all those hyper US desi moms who keep overhyping pregnancy and children.

siva said...

Super funny...oka small doubt..'porn free' computers after marriage?really?

Curd Rice Aurora said...

Akyutesh said...

haakai unkal, un pechu kaa!




Epic

VJ said...

Complete garbage. How do you vomit dogcrap like this consistently? You have some serious talent

Anonymous said...

why porn-free computer after marriage? didn't get that at all.

Anonymous said...

Like family guy you'll end up making fun of everybody. I love to see your comments section and how people you offend feel all senti and react with " heyy..how dare..."

Anonymous said...

:) So congrats!

---suvarna

Anonymous said...

MJ..gone forever

Sriram said...

aiyoo, MJ padam-aitaaru!

Mambalam Mani said...

OMG. did u see? MJ is dead!!

Extra-Ordinarily Ordinary said...

Don't know how to react when someone has a kid - I some how congratulations sounds kind of funny to me - but i guess, ulagathai ondri pogarapdiyaal, congratulations on being a father.

Anonymous said...

Sometimes, it's just a matter of not having pulled out soon enough...