Tuesday, September 01, 2009

She has not sunk/drowned and She will be a green bodied woman

The amount of personal information strangers begin to share with you - when you announce that your wife is pregnant - is simply incredible. The moment you announce, It feels like a secret door opened. Strangers, even desi strangers, suddenly assume that it is appropriate to discuss stuff about the reproductive system that is normally considered private. Most good Thamizh boys know nothing about the intricacies of female reproductive systems. While they skipped chapters to peep into "The Female Reproductive System" chapter in the 8th standard biology textbook, all that precious knowledge was soon discarded to pursue much higher intellectual stuff - porn. So naturally going back to 8th standard biology is a retrogression of sorts.

Now, these strangers are people who were mild-mannered and silent until they heard your announcement. But after the secret door opens they tell you the scariest of details. They discuss all that they ever knew about pregnancy. Like "my wife's sister had a discombobulated cervix" "Susan's egg formed in the fallopian tube" "you know how it works right..the egg flows down from the ovary to the uterus" " it attached to the uterus wall near the cervix" " one of my friends had a partial placenta previa". The desi male's brain cannot comprehend so many tubes, pipes and complicated mechanics going on there. The thamizh boy has one word for all these scientific jargon.

'keezha'

Down under. Somewhere down. Down there. It not much of a word. But it is simple, humble and has a lot of love. If you feel a question is too personal (or too 'teginigal') you can simply say 'ya ya vayathula keezha baby form aagum' and leave it at that. It can explain many things, which half-baked science experts, who can google very fast, cannot. Simply saying 'kizha anga engayo' can answer all questions. Take this very real conversation for instance with a google-searching desi engineer.

Stranger: Do you know where the placenta has attached itself.
Me: Keezha
Stranger: You know my friend had a ectopic pregnancy and ruptured one of her fallopian tubes. How is the pregnancy facilitated ? Is one fallopian tube enough?
Me: It is facilitated 'Keezha anga engayo'.
Stranger: Does the cervix have to dialate 10 cm before the baby comes out?
Me: Baby comes out from keezha.
Stranger: Dei keezha seri da. Keezha enge?
Me: Adhaan da. Keezha anga engayo.

'keezha anga engayo' is a fantastic PG-13 phrase to respond to several over-enthusiastic questions that seem intrusive. In fact it is very dignified and impersonal. It gives out enough detail to let others know that you won't fail in Geography but hides a lot of Carpentry, Engineering Drawing, Physics and other difficult 12 mark questions out of it.

We always knew that women are comfortable discussing this with other women. Here is another surprise - once the wife is pregnant, other women feel the need to dole out advise to the wife in front of the husband. Now men get to hear the gory details of the whole pregnancy process. What horror!?? They discuss it as if they were discussing computer hard drives. Little do they know that they are committing the sin of taking a 40-year patron of Woodlands drive-in restaurant to its kitchen and let him see the gory details of how his favorite food is cooked. We don't want to know how it all works and how things are made. For men it is sex. It is sacred. From Emmanualle to Erika Eleniak - the various goddesses have symbolized this sacredness. Don't spoil it for us. Mr. Johnson has spit so many times into the sunlight and into plastic covers. He had no idea that if he spit 'keezha' he'd potentially be slaying a holy cow. If he had he would have thought twice about it.

I fell victim to this 'get biology knowledge' mania. I got caught up in accumulating useless knowledge under the assumption that" a modern husband who is progressive mannangatti etc has to know all these details to be perceived as supportive". I mean what is the point of doing "viradha homaam" on the morning of the marriage if you cannot have a intelligent conversation with the Radiologist? So I tried my best to learn the pipes, the different containers and the whole flowchart diagrams. Every 'aaspathri' has wall-size pictures and diagrams. You can't miss them. It is sort of like trying to look at the source code of a video game you are playing.

But I kept saying the wrong things. Kept confusing one pipe and the other. Mixing up containers. Kept saying there were two uteruses and one ovary. Just the way all Chinese people look the same to people from Mannargudi, to men all female body parts pretty much looked like "keezha". The 'illustrative' videos to get the man up to speed were all hazy. Apparently the doctors are used to over enthusiastic men who pretend to be mild-mannered software engineer during the day and super powered gynaecologists during the night - capable of jumping tall ovaries in a single bound and stop speeding sperms. So they never cared to describe what the hell anything meant.

Meanwhile at work and at many social gatherings people are bombarding you with unheard of words. I am not a prude and don't get offended that easily but my god! are the details awful. It is almost as if there are two worlds out there. One is a world where people don't talk about reproductive organs in gory detail. The other is where they see you enter into the "parents world", see you get access to some sort of privileged member club benefits. In this world complete and total strangers discuss the most intimate private body parts in a matter-of-fact way. The transition is sudden and if a person is caught unawares he is in for it.

The modern desi living in amrikka needs to know pages and pages and volumes of stuff that the SBI officer 20-30 years ago simply referred to as - "keezha anga engayo" or "edho ladies matter saar yaarukku theriyum"

29 comments:

Vee Cee said...

soooper!!!

maxdavinci said...

keezha ku ivlo periya dedication a!

even guys in college festival jukeboxes who dedicate backstreet boys songs to gerls will shudder now!

blackaccord said...

hawkeye,

Lamaze classes (if u havent gone already) attend pannunga..you will feel that indha questions ellam onnum illainnu.. :)

sundar said...

hawkeye,

you are finding a wide variety of ways to make us envious of that SBI officer..:)

Maddy said...

Guys who start getting to know of everything about "Keezha" after seeing the + in pregnancy test stick are technically morons...They also get sudden enlightenment from "google knowledge" of all sorts of Ob/gyn medical terms after that..
Mostly these morons are "The modern desi living in amrikka"

Gradwolf said...

Lol, edho ladies matter saar yaaruku theriyun seems more appropriate, but like your stranger friend demonstrated, nothing convinces them!

Bea Walker said...

Funny stuff - speaking from the other side and if you will pardon me being outspoken as all other strangers have - I once heard a well meaning aunty say "ulaga me paavade keezha"....hence the male population should make its peace :)...and oh - not - jumping tall ovaries in a single bound and -not - stopping speeding sperm, got you in the keezha kerfuffle no? :P....Congrats.

Sreekrishnan said...

Lol, i think thats why you ask the wife to go to the maamiar's house and become the typical SbI officer ! unfortunately holding the wife back, seems to cause lot of confusion

PS: i dont why you missed this point..

mads said...

would you please translate keezha.
and the keezha phrase.
i'd like to join the fun,

Anonymous said...

mads,

keezha = down there

keezha anga engayo = down there somewhere

The title is hard to explain as it is very tamil in nature. I'll let Hawkeye attempt that translation.

revathi said...

Do desi men assist the delivery of their babies or do they say "keezha engirindo vandaan(l)" and chicken out?

Anonymous said...

hahaha ... excellent post .. again a classic hawkeye.

-Gayathri

I said...

It all started with the diaper station in the men's washroom.

Anonymous said...

Maachana-era thuni kati errukka sollu :-)

Talk of green-bodied women reminded me of that.

T.

Alan Smithee said...

You should watch "I didn't know I was pregnant" and "Deliver me" on Discovery Health. Excellent stuff. Enna thrillinga irukkum theriyuma?

Maha said...

you could learnt all about it by watching house-m.d.

Bored Man said...

As a long time reader of this blog, I have to say that I am bored to death to read all this pregnancy stuff. It's like watching the 8th and 9th seasons of FRIENDS all over again.

Here's a small request Bharath. To compensate, please come up with a post on the Great Gounder and redeem yourself. If you need any help, here's a couple of links you could use.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WAnTjlhjfBg

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GWbMswoOiqc&feature=related

Anonymous said...

Hi Hawkeye,

This is Rekha and I read your blog regularly. I would like to share this website with you http://www.lightahome.org/

Thanks!

Bored Man #2 said...

Fully agree with bored man above. Hawkeye's rants used to be hilarious and biting, maybe because he had a bird's eye view. With all these pregnancy related snoozefests, this blog is going to the dogs. Even worse, all these posts, rightly or wrongly, seem like Barath's attempts to find excuses for what he subconsciously feels are his failings as a father-husband - buying cheap stuff from walmart, not helping in changing the diapers, not knowing anything about the female anatomy.

From being a witty and smart blog laughing at the dumb peope, LSE has now become a "Yes, I am dumb and proud of it" blog. Which can be funny in a "You know you're a rednbeck if" manner, but so far is not.

I guess Barath is not the first funny cool guy made unbearably lame by the burdens of fatherhood. Soon he will be lecturing people on Indian culture, and growing a moustache.

Bored Woman # 1 said...

Wasn't going to say anything until Bored Man #2 came up with a desparate comment doing psycho analysis and all. It is hilarious to see comments from dumb people who get offended because HKV touched a raw nerve.

I know Bored Man 1 & 2 will come and say that they are single and have no kids ....but with a defensive comment like this who's gonna believe them LOL. You are the dumb people that HKV is making fun of now..

Amused Man #1 said...

Someone who shortens Hawk-Eye-View as "HKV" is calling others dumb? That's like an Iyer calling an Iyengar dumb.

Agitated Iyer man #1 said...

@Amused bigot#1
Iyyengaar aadikkam oziga!

Pradeep said...

dei, kaasu kudukaama oc'la oru blog'a padichoma, kuppara paduthu thoonginoma'nnu irunkkanum! Ennavo ellarum kaasu kuduthu indha blog'kku subscribe panna maathri scene'a vidareenga! Thaangalai pa!

Amused Iyengar Man #4365 said...

@Agitated Iyer,

Spoken like a true Iyer with a limited mental ability and an even more limited vocabulary.

Sridhar said...

Even worse, all these posts, rightly or wrongly, seem like Barath's attempts to find excuses for what he subconsciously feels are his failings as a father-husband - buying cheap stuff from walmart, not helping in changing the diapers, not knowing anything about the female anatomy.

So does this idiot think that not buying in wal-mart and not knowing useless details equates to failings as a father?

No wonder this post was written in the first place. Dumb Desis like this guy are exactly the people who must be mocked.

p.s: idhula "sub-concious" usage vera indha naikku. Periya Freud paarunga ivaru.

Anonymous said...

and how about desperate mothers who proudly stress on the fact that they are "feeding" their babies and in case u missed it, with their nipples? Melayum adhey prachanai dhaan hawk.

Anonymous said...

Agree with the bored people here. Most of the recent posts like forced, laborious attempts at humor. How many times and in how many ways will you prove that you do not get women or their inner working mechanisms? We know that you don't understand and don't want to understand the 'stuff' like most of the mordern male desis living in amrikka. And like you, most of them(us) in turn make fun of the other mordern male desis in amrikka.

frissko said...

:)...
An aside, in case you didn't know, Woodlands drive in is no more...their lease ran out and i think the govt demolished the building too...

Nappinnai said...

Are you suffering from Sarah Palin moment? That bimbo thinks she represents female species just because we all have similar body parts up and down!

I read some of your other articles and they were very good. I came across your blog only recently. This one is real boring and I didn't expect this from you, man.

Most of the indian men(I guess)don't know much about female anatomy. Same is true with the other side of the world too. Don't worry. Many females don't know much about Urology either! Locker room sex doesn't work! Only when both parners make an effort to understand each other physically as well as mentally, the relationship becomes a paradise.

We have so many tubes huh? Atleast ours is very organized. The Dude up(God) was sane when he designed the female body and HE must have been drunk when He designed male body. Men have too many tubes/capillaries going on in one pen**. As much as 90% of erectile dysfunction is psychological based. They have uplifted this idea(psychological based) from the Bhagavad Gita! Just poking fun of guys. I love guys and all my life I have had great male friends who pray for my welfare and vice versa.

Somebody asked "is one fallopian tube enough?" Yeah. We have everything in pairs(even if one fails the other one can support) except the genitals and mouth. These two cause great damage!

What's this iyer-iyengar crap?

Agitated iyer and other guys who bring caste issues:

Grow up as a man with a spine. Even though I come from hardcore brahminism(iyengarism if there is a word!), i never say i'm iyengar/brahmin. The word brahmin has received different connotation down the years. the actual meaning of the word is: a brahmin is he/she, who is in the devotional path! I only use the word srivaishnavism, which goes by atma(atma doesn't have any damn caste,gender, sex, age and you name it). Even that I never say I'm a srivaishnava(because i have so many flaws in me)but only say I come from that background.

So guys, behave like a MAN. Keep the ridiculous, moronic attitudes to yourself. Don't display them in public. Try to gain some knowledge including sexual knowledge. Go and do some manly push-ups and build some muscles instead of writing iyer-iyengar crap!

Agitated Iyer guy, FYI,

Iyengar population is less compared to iyer. I hope atleast SVs don't indulge in such petty matters. Your knowledge seems like that of mandu:ka(frog). FYI, Shankaracharya had used only Narayana shabdam in all his 4 major samskrt works and his family God was Keshava. If you don't know anything about your own iyerism/advaitam, I will be too happy to give you a free lecture! In smartha, there are two types, 1)shiva worshippers and the other vishnu worshippers. I have so many iyer friends whose names are all vishnu names. None of my friends talk crap like this. Educate yourself before you let your mouth rule over your mind. The same shankaracharya had composed wonderful bhaja govindam. Maybe you should read. Your manduka knowledge will be cleared and may lead to atma gnyanam:-)

People who dig holes for others, end up in the same hole!