Tuesday, December 08, 2009

King Of Thamizh Nadu

I often wonder, how I'd use the benefits of monarchy. For example - if I become the undisputed king of Thamizh Nadu and had the power to do anything with impunity the following is what I would do (Maybe not as my first order of business but certainly as soon as I get around to having orders of business).

1. Shutdown Thamizh Nadu film industry. Ban them from making movies for the next 5 years. After 2.5 years Thamizh people (more importantly, their King) will realize that they need to do something else if they have to get a life

2. Cinema actors will never appear on TV for the next 5 years. They will never use words such as "interesting projects" or "working on an experiment" in the context of movies. They will never be seen on TV in the context of (a) appearing to be overly humble and (b) appearing to praise others as 'great' etc. The reason being - there is no need for them to be humble and nobody is 'great'.

3. All game shows that involve people dancing on stage will be banned. In other game shows, segments where people talk about their personal emotions will be edited out. People will laugh at and will cruelly mock contestants who get eliminated. Happy music will be played at that time to the chorus of "you suck".

4. Shows where children participate will be stopped with immediate effect. That "stand-up" comedy show included. The children who participated will be sent to sivakasi for folding crackers.

5. In any game/competitive-type show there will be a rule that the appreciation:criticism ratio will be 1:5. The judges will compulsarily criticise, very harshly, 5 out of every 6 contestants.

6. All mega serials will be banned. Deivyani will be sent to Maharashtra as a punishment for that state. People who watched Kolangal regularly will have their taxes doubled. People who say "I hate mega serials, but kolangal is different. Except for kolangal, everything else is bad" will serve as bonded laborers in Andaman for the rest of their lives. As a general principle Anuradha Sriram, Anu Hasan and Suhasini shall be sent to Karnataka permenantly.

7. Entire Kamalagasan's family, his relatives, onnu vitta thambi, Sathyaraj family will not be allowed to express their views on politics, religion or for that matter any other issue in any form of media. The reason given to them will be that - they are cinema people, hence sub-human and by virtue of that their views are worthless.

8. Cinema people will be devalued to an extent where they will be charged by my kingdom for every unit of oxygen they breathe.

31 comments:

nivi said...

lol! Someone has seen too many bad tamil movies of late.

I can agree with you on Devayani.People for some reason adore her and that serial. I was in a temple in madras once and she showed up and everyone including the priest were interested in knowing what will happen to Abhi in Kolangal!

janani said...

Why kamalagasan?? Why? Why? And lumping him and Sathyaraj in the same category?

And FYI, I have heard from very reliable sources that Kolangal is finally over!

blackaccord said...

I presume there won't be any FEFSI/ flimfare / cinema express / kungumam / ranimuthu Award functions during those 5 years..

Vee Cee said...

engal arasan Hakki, VAAZHGA!!
engal mannan Hakki, VAAZHGA!!
thamizh mannin vaendhan Hakki, VAAZHGA!!!

Raju said...

It is easy to write sitting in USA ( Seattle I think ) than to do something being in Chennai.

Gradwolf said...

total damage!

And five years ago, this would have become a "tag" and the whole blogosphere would be out with the list of "King of Tamizh Nadu" posts followed by Maharashtra, Kerala etc etc.

Suresh said...

rotfl

siva said...

yen intha kola veri?

Raj said...

how about going back to DD1 only and ban all other satellite channels.. problem solved.. illayaba..

i dont know how many of u(s) have watched makkal tv..(amam namba maruthuvar ayyavodathuthan..) its not bad i say.. no movies, no reality shows, no serials(atleast the run of the mill kind).. has quite a good staple of programs..

annaku therinju ayya correct panra oru vishayam ithu than..

obviously namba tamizh mannin maindargal seems to have rejected it outright..

Raj said...

i my previous post i meant
"ennaku therinju ayya correcta panra oru vishayam ithu than.."
(s.ve.. sollra madhiri tamizh oru nunukamana mozhi than)..

RamMmm said...

Hee Hee Hee. ROTFL. As has been said in the comments before, you are watching too many Tamil channels.

But now Kolangal is off the air. It has concluded as of last Friday. I was so happy that I filed a post "Ending of a mega soap/serial". Maybe banish Thiruselvam away for another 5 years. :-)

madhu srinivas said...

hmmmm..... replace cine stars with employess.... and voila you have our desi catbert....

Dot said...

if I become the undisputed king of Thamizh Nadu...

Blogs that are self-serving will be banned and all access to computer and internet will be removed from that person.

Pipa said...

en?

Valli Doll said...

Raja maarthaanda, raaja gambheera, raja kula thilaka...Mannan Hawkeye pattathukku eppodhu vaarugiraar?

hari said...

I back your candidacy for Monarch. However, you need to make me your legal advisor.

Also you must send Ramya Krishnan along with Devayanai to Maharashtra to double the effect of the punishment.

Anonymous said...

Very True...On how the actors mouth words such as "interesting projects" or "totally new/different role for me" during movie promotion or while interacting with media...

Predictably,9 times out of 10 the movie fails and the actors shamelessly repeat the same before their next new movie again.....Do they think the Public/audience is so DUMB :))

- Kunta Kinte

Alan Smithee said...

I support #7. By extension, Dhanush and Simbu will be banned from using the phrase "naan evvalovo kashta pattu indha level vandurukkein".

Kaushik said...

On a separate note, you should get on twitter. Couple of days back, there was one massive flood of kaattu-kalaai of Chetan Bhagat. For a sample, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s5xh_rDr00M Would've loved to hear what you'd have had to say on the issue. :P

Blogeswari said...

What about Srilekha Parthasarathy? Can she continue to host tv shows in her atrocious outfits?

Are pattimandrams for every pandigai featuring Pappaiiya and Raja with the same old jokes allowed?

And RJs saying "Ippa paatheenga" "Traffic eppadi irukkunnu keetinganna" or "Super-aana paattu vandukitte irukku" is okayva?

Idukkelam badhil sollunga Arase!

aniramzee said...

So you're the 21st century, Tamil, Brahmin version of Aurangzeb.

Venkat said...

so u saw yhe fepsi show too and was peeved with Surya's 'modesty show'

Anonymous said...

Hawk, do you really think Tamilnadu is an actual state with real human beings relationships father mother son daughter economy society GDP etc ?

I am not a Tamilian but my impression from visiting Tamilnadu is that Tamilnadu is just a giant film set. The people are all extras nursing fantasies of stardom, with a Tamil movie of their life playing in their heads 24/7/365. If you spend some time talking to the Tamil makkal it is clear that is the case. They speak in dialogs and overact and dramatize even banal day to day gestures. Maybe it is something in the water supply ?

inbavalli said...

While on this cleansing mission, please ban mega serials as well. Otherwise the out-of-job nadigais will infest the TV. If such nadigais HAVE to act, they should at least not be given coy, pathi vrathai roles like Ramya Krishnan in Thangam.

A said...

Anonymous wrote

...Maybe it is something in the water supply ?

Err...you went to AP and thought it was TN.

Anonymous said...

anony,

I am not a Tamilian but my impression from visiting Tamilnadu is that

I think you have made an assumption that Hakkie thinks highly of the Rest of India based on this post. Maybe if he was asked to write about other states, it would be equally if not more disparaging.

Correct Hakkie?

Hawkeye said...

nivi,

the only thamil padams i've seen this year are Pasanga, Nadodigal, Ayan, Kandasamy, UO.

Did deivyani put an a 'humble' act in the temple too?

Janani,

Because he is cinemakaaran and by virtue of that sub-human. Both Kamal and Sathiyaraj are cinemakaarans.

Kolangal seems to be over. Going by the fact that my parents are doing other things at 9PM.

blackaccord,

yes. mainly all the national level 'padma bhushan' type awards will never go to cine people.

Vee Cee,

instantly - 1000 porkasu is direct deposited into your routing number/checking a/c

Raju,

In fact it is more difficult to write about this from Seattle.

Gradwolf,

i think tag's have gone out of fashion now.

suresh,

:-)

siva,

Thamizh Nadu urupdarthukku this is the only way.Raj,

the boringness of non-cinema programs need to be acknowledged.

how about going back to DD1 only

vayalum vaazhvum, thyaga chudar etc may come back. Banning cinema in theaters is the key thing here. As DD will only drive people to theaters.

Rammm,

:-)

madhu,

too much of a compliment for cine stars.

dot,

what is the meaning of self-serving blogs?

Pipa,
summa dhaan. raja pesama irundha bore adikume.

valli,

1000 porkasu direct deposited. :-)

kunta,

:-)

Alan,

andha "level" usage works against the purpose of the sentence, which is to communicate their humbleness

Kaushik,

how do i find out what a hashtag means and how do i find out about chetan bhagat controversy.

Blogeswari,

srilekha parthasarathy pales in comparison to anuradha sriram. RJs ellam going to telengana..

aniramzee,

having aurangazeb like authority and using it like him is the ultimate ambition. But I dont think I will be a Tamil Brahmin version of him. Especially the plans that I have will be disliked by brahmins.

venkat,

no. but in koffee with anu, i found out that suriya should stop giving TV interviews.

anon,

this is the best form of stereotyping I have seen so far. Which state do you hail from?

A,

TN has no water. So it can't be water supply.

Anon,

"athellam yaar ba asingama..."

SathyaRam said...

this one was amazing...

I really cannot stand these kids crying after this Vijay TV shows. I never saw anyone crying when they lose in Siddarth Basu's quiz shows.

All gimmicks and I believe the editor's tricks on linking various scenes. all pre planned and to our disgust these days people just get used to that.

You were absolutely right that we should send those kids to Sivakasi......

Kaushik said...

Sorry baa, unarchi vasa pattu I commented without realizing you wont understand twitter-lingo - here goes - the entire chetan bhagat saga. Even here, there might be a few things you might not understand, but otherwise, it should be a little more helpful. :P

Mambalam Mani said...

I was just talking to my father about the first half of your point no.2. They talk as if they are planning to construct a hydroelectric dam while referring to their next movies as 'projects'.

Anonymous said...

Hai,

First we all should fight against foolish Indians to seperate TAMIZH NADU from India & then we think of all these thinks,really one day this will happen untill we make a strong human force.