Wednesday, January 20, 2010

All Hands On Deck

If laziness was a religion unto itself then the couch in front of the TV would be its temple. If one has high ambitions of becoming a 1980s State Bank Of India officer, one must perfect the art of slacking on this couch. The moment one sits on the couch, all forms of thought slowly erode and disappear. The brain operates in a power-save mode. A mode that is good enough to channel surf but weak enough to pick up ringing phones. Once the mind locks in on an appropriate TV channel, comes total blankness. One has reached the ambition for the day. An ultimate slackers ambition, where short-cuts are the only path to success. This is when one must be wary of work disguised in various formats attacking the determined SBI officer. Because work has a way of disrupting the blissful emptiness that has enveloped the mind of the couch slacker.

Sitting on my couch in front of the TV, I feel like James Tiberius Kirk on the USS Enterprise who sits all day in his couch staring intently and purposely at the huge monitor in front of him. A couch in front of the TV is the ultimate nirvana. It is my calling. It is the final frontier. To sit on the couch and not do anything until I fall asleep is like going where no man has gone before.

This is when Klingons around you try and assign work somehow.

"Hey one request" says the wife and the mind suddenly becomes alert. Red alarms are flashing all around the USS enterprise. All hands on deck now. The emptiness wrapped around your mind is in danger of being eroded. Impending attack by work can be expected anytime now. Obviously, the emptiness, this natural force field that surrounds you as you slack in your couch, has extra-ordinary uses. It shields your ear from dangerous audio signals emanating out of your wife. So you don't hear her the first 72 times she said "hey one request". If you are hearing it now that must mean some damage to life-support system has happened. Either the TV has been switched off or the TV audio has been muted. Danger Will Robinson!!!. Danger Will Robinson!!!. Danger Will Robinson!!!.

At these moments one must be careful to avoid giving a weak answer to any sort of question that is posed. Wife is like the Klingon whose intelligence can evolve with your laziness. Innocuous questions like "is tomorrow Thursday" should be treated with utmost caution. A casual affirmative response could mean that "oh! then you have to drop off the Mixie in Renuka's house today as she is cooking a big dinner tomorrow". Work hits you like a neutron beam hitting the StarShip's energy canisters. "Are you going to office tomorrow" is an extremely dangerous question. Answers must be vague and non-specific such as "work is extremely tight and getting more and more complicated". If the Klingon says "then can you throw away garbage when you go out tomorrow" you can be prepared for a bullet-speed answer "which is why I am working form home tomorrow to avoid any distraction"

All your answers must end with "can I go back to watching TV now. I am actually thinking about a problem at work". If the Klingon was your mom she'd be zapped in seconds at that response. She'd withdraw her forces, call up her sister and say "my poor boy! he is so stressed from work". But the new Klingon is a different beast. It will test you out. "Can you remove the baby's finger from the power socket", "can you remove the dripping coffee mug from the carpet and wash it" "can you switch off the stove" "can you call 911". So many "can you.." questions come flying at you like missiles. You need to be at your wits end to somehow answer all these questions in such a way that will ensure that you continue to remain ensconced in your temple.

An amateur SBI officer is the only one who will begin a sentence with "can you.." inside the temple. Forbidden works spoken only when the remote control for one of the supplementary electronic equipment has been forgotten in the dining table. This is when the initiation ritual begins. An man who can convince the Klingon to get that remote, without him having to get out of the couch would have earned his place in the exclusive club. Here is a man among men. One who will not be required to do laundry or grocery. One who will eat his dinner on the couch and keep the plate underneath it. One who will ultimately become - the SBI officer.


RamMmm said...

Ha Ha Ha. Well on your way to becoming a SBI 'aapeeser'.

Good that you qualified it as a 80s SBI officer. Looks like these days, they are always with their pants on fire.

After how many times does the "Hey one request" or "can you ..." becomes a "Do this... or else ..." command? :-)

The new klingons also have some reflective mind management and control tricks in another time domain like mono-syllabic responses, stares, smirks and no-food-for-you decisions.

- From a fallen officer who once upon a time was an epitome of mind-blanking technology to anything else around and absolute privileges, but now has been revoked of it all and has to watch toons most of the time and get the control gun once in a while as a favor dispensed or sneak it away surreptiously. :-(

Gradwolf said...

hahaha brilliantly written. When I read "red alarms are flashing.." I was thinking what? They don't respond so quickly to request and then realized on further reading it was the 72nd time! But poor SBI aapicer without these perks!

I said...

These days, you have to work in even nationalized banks.

In LIC, even now, the only job is coming late and collecting the salary. Revenue generation is taken care of by "Agents" (this can be your maama katting a policy on your thalai).

UDC in govt aapis in Pondichery is also good.

I said...

btw, why is this post linked on a vadakathi website?

blackaccord said...

well written post..

aah.. dont we all dream to be that SBI officer.. I would include the laptop as another kutti temple...

BTW, my father-in-law really was a 80's sbi officer who recently retired and really cannot correlate to any of this.. Ofcourse, he belongs to the category of going to work on sundays, doing other ppls work and spending nights at the bank during quaterly, half yearly closing...

Alan Smithee said...

one wonders why blackaccord wants to praise the FIL.

rads said...

The wife actually says "Can you?"

You're spoiled. :-)

I said...

Black accord: Working late/on Sundays is only to avoid responsibilities at home, possibly play some Farmville, stick tennis, write up the draft of blog posts etc.

I also wonder why anyone would praise his FIL.

Hawkeye said...

1. I hold the 80s SBI officer in the highest ever esteem possible.

2. This is no comment on what they did in 'office' but more on what they did at home - which is nothing.

3. you have no clue how many people in my family work in SBI.

blackaccord said...

rads, lol... i envy hawkeye on that :)

OK, Not literally praising the FIL, but may be he was not good enough to finish his work in regular time and had to show off the family that he's so busy working latenights and weekends...He doesn't fit the bill anyway to hawkeye's SBI officer..

hawkeye, question on #3, does your family have many SBI officers or ppl who work in SBI ??

MLC said...

unga pondaatti romba nalla-vanga!!

Anonymous said...

you are really a lady in the guise of a man if you shirk chores at home.

btw my wife says Dei one request instead of Hey one request :)

Sreekrishnan said...

Well written ... but doesnt this include calling the wife to do some inbetweeners for you . like bringing the food to you, answering the door ... the reverse Can you s? Part 2 ah ?

btw: enakkum athukkum sambandham illa ... I almost sit the whole evening infront of TV/Playstation with no disturpance !!

PS: "Forbidden works spoken only when the remote control "

Forbidden words la?

ms said...

you did not mention that the new klingon salute only features one finger. and that the klingon stun gun comes in a handy new size - can fit under a polished finger nail.

Anonymous said...

Whats wrong between u and ur dad? U seem to be making kindal of SBI officer in every alternate post?

BTW, long time no obituary post? I was expecting on on Jyoti Basu. Communism touch pannardhillaya?

Durlov said...

It was one of the few things preached to me on my wedding night - get used to living without TV and if TV, consider lucky & get used to living without channel surfing instead...... the other thing was never to sleep with your backs facing each other irrespective of the world war.

Here I am. Couldn't follow any!

.....Nicely written dude.